Refereeing: What's Stopping You?

Hi guys n' gals, ever considered becoming a soccer referee? Much empirical research has shown that many spectators, both at home and at live games, can in fact actually do a much better job than that wanker out there.

The factors we determined by which they could referee produced astounding results:

• The ability to be able to see incidents clearly from as far as one hundred yards away.
• 20/20 hindsight, knowing exactly what to do in every situation, after witnessing multiple slow motion replays from many different angles.
• Complete non-bias, as obviously most referees are being bribed by the other team. This can often be proven when you find them wearing the opponents' shirt under theirs, getting rides to and from the game with the coach, and celebrating all goals that go against your team.
• Having bottle, as apparently this is a very important factor in refereeing, particularly in the English game. Our studies conclude that many referees in England "lack bottle," which greatly affects their decision making when judging penalty claims.
• Most people who don't referee have actually played the game, as we all know, every referee in existence absolutely hates football and has never kicked a ball in their life.
• Super Speed, much like The Flash, allowing you to never be behind play, even for three seconds.
• 360 degree vision, allowing you to see all the action in every direction, never missing an off the ball incident.
• Jedi-like powers of perception that allow you to anticipate the play well in advance, and always be in the right position, every single time.
• The ability to see the future, as we all know that yellow cards prevent players from kicking other players and from mass confrontation. No longer will referees have to rely on retrospective action where they can only card a player after something has happened. With futuristic vision, the referees of tomorrow will be awarding cards well in advance of any incidents, meaning that foul play has become preventable.

Unfortunately these bionic sideline refs will forever be just that, as they listed a number of reasons as to why they will not bestow their talents upon us:

They don't want to take the job of the referee. These are partially blind, middle aged fat men, who, according to some, have mild learning difficulties, cannot see into the future, and who have lost their bottle. What chance do they stand in life? Refereeing seems to be about the only option they have.
• You couldn't pay them enough. It is often found that unskilled labourers make well in advance of £25 an hour, and so giving up a small portion of their time to aid the development of grassroots football "just for twenty quid to run around a field blowing a whistle" is not something they wish to waste their precious time on, as standing at the side, shouting obscenities, and setting a good example for our kids is far more financially appealing.
• Their talents would be wasted. Having eyes in the back of your head, lightning speed, and reliable precognition are better off used for curing diseases, ending hunger, and attempting to coach the national team from your armchair.
• Others may get jealous, as their meteoric rise the the Premier League after officiating in just one game at their local park would lead to riots.

What can we do though? In all seriousness, this has been an issue for many years. The FA has tried to fight it, but it is something ingrained in our culture. Petulance is something experienced in everyday lives, it doesn't just happen in football. The FA can only prevent it from affecting our game, and punish those who do it, they can't change the psyche of the society.

Walking away from the Saints game, after they played Midtjylland in the Europa League, I can hear many people complaining about the referee. I personally didn't see a lot wrong with his performance. He certainly won't be making any headlines. There are a few things worth noting here. Two guys next to me were going crazy after a free kick was awarded to the opposition on the halfway line. The referee was literally two yards away from it, whereas we were up behind the goal. Who do you think has the better view? Why are you idiots questioning someone who was clearly much better positioned than yourself?

Saints had a goal that was ruled out for a foul. Correctly. I even have a photo of the clear foul. Of course though, even in the face of evidence, we still hold onto our prejudiced beliefs. Saints were later awarded a penalty, correctly, which they scored. To many people, of course the referee was just levelling things up for the goal he cancelled earlier. As time went by, some of the Midtjylland players started to go down and stay down a bit too easily. One of them was actually hit in the face, I did see that clearly, but he is abused and jeered at by the fans. The mum in front of me was leading the abuse, right next to her two kids. Would she be doing the same if one of her kids was down? But while the Midtjylland players were time wasting and feigning injury, who received the abuse? That's right, the referee, even though he handed out two yellow cards for time wasting and awarded six minutes injury time. What more do they want? What do they genuinely expect the referee to do?

The guy in front and just to the left, who spent most of the game txtin sum bird, with great lines such as; "u mite not believ dis but I am not as confident when meetin sum1 for the first time", and "I fink u can tell if ur atracted 2 sum1 soon after meetin dem" piped up with "How much are they paying you, ref?" Good one mate. Well funny. Top banter. He was about thirty, and his phone was so old that he had to tap each number multiple times to get the letter he wanted. But of course, it's the ref who is an idiot. You idiot.

So why is everyone talking about the ref and not the game? Two reasons I believe; we all want something to blame, and people don't actually know that much about football. The two can even overlap; we don't realise how awful we are, and we don't want to admit the other team is better than us, so it's the ref's fault.

Where does it all come from? Football is now a billion dollar industry, and the tiny margin for error could mean huge financial implications. Sadly, it is true. Staying in the Premier League means so much financially that teams don't try as hard in the cups or in Europe. No one cares about the season we finished tenth, but we all remember the finals and semi finals, the amazing away days, the exciting cup runs, the giant killings etc. The clubs have different goals to us. The manager needs to keep his job, and a large part of that is down to profits made. That's also why many clubs don't take risks on youth players. If you play some of the kids, it may take them a year or two to adjust, and in that time, you risk falling down the league, and that is a huge decline in income.

Where teams now try to affect everything they can to gain those precious inches, many put pressure on the referees, either during pregame press conferences, or the game itself from constant berating. In an attempt to deflect blame after games, most managers will say the referee cost them the game. It's a good tactic in the sense that it relieves stress from the players and coaching staff, but it is completely immoral for talented millionaires to blame an impartial official that gets paid just a fraction of what they earn, and someone who isn't actually competing for a championship. Remember, the referees are just doing a job. Unless in Italy, they don't actually gain anything other than their match fee for refereeing the game.

Have you ever seen two people in dispute over an issue, who both witnessed it the same way, and yet have completely different recollections of what happened? Don't you hate being caught in the middle of that? It happens a lot in car crashes. Even the one who cut across three lanes while texting still believes they did nothing wrong. If this was between two friends and they asked you to mediate, chances are that whichever way you decide, you will be a friend down after the incident.

A point I make to a lot of people is that a player can have an absolutely dreadful game, then go on to score the winner, and becomes a hero. Think Torres scoring for Chelsea Bus Company in the Nou Camp. A referee can get 99% of decisions right, but will be lambasted for that one that was wrong. I think it was actually proven once by something like Opta Index that refs in the Premier League do get around 98% of decisions right. That's far more than any player can hope to achieve in a single game. Of course this story wasn't carried by mainstream media. We want to continue living the lie that referees are idiots. It gives us comfort that when walking away from the ground, our team would have won 4-0 if it wasn't the referee. Ignorance truly is bliss.

What about respect? Some people in football spout the wonderful line "referees have got to earn my respect". You are an idiot. An idiot. People like you hold back our game and our society by about four hundred years. How can one person be such an idiot? It really does blow my mind how you can be such an idiot. Do you really think that the referee cares about you and your respect? Do you really think your respect is worth that much to someone? Is it like gold or something? You absolute idiot. Stop being such an idiot. Get over yourself, you idiot. Trust doesn't have to be earned. Respect doesn't have to be earned. Just in the same way that innocence doesn't have to be proven. That's why we can now live in multi cultural societies, rather than building huge walls to keep out the outsiders, while we throw rocks and piss at them. Go away you arrogant, self centred idiot.

Let's all just be a bit nicer to each other from the start. Let's teach our kids to be nice too. People take things more personally when it affects them directly. I have mentioned this before, using the work of both Gladwell and Ariely. It's true though, and you can see it for yourself. We believe we belong in football, but the truth is, most of us are victims in incredibly powerful advertising campaigns. Branding is so important in modern football. So the fans feel it just as much as the players and the coaches when a decision goes against them. There is a difference though, as for those on the playing side, it is an obstacle in the way of their personal and professional gain. For fans, whose emotions, self efficacy, and self esteem are tied in with the success of their football club, it threatens their very own perceptions of themselves. My team must win or else others will think I am a loser with an inadequate sense of self worth and a lame job and an ugly wife and stupid kids. The enlarging bald spots, the increasing beer belly, the lack of satisfaction from other areas in life, the fact your middle aged wife doesn't look at you in the same way she did before you were married, all of that can be erased if you are seen to have picked a winner at football. And then that prick of a referee went and gave the other team a penalty that was clearly a dive! Idiot should have gone to specsavers! That feels better.

The referee is useless wanker, and I am a handsome virile alpha male, and all women want me. My wife should worship me.

These feelings are easily transposed onto our kids. If some idiot of a ref makes a decision against the team of my baby, he's a pure evil bastard that is standing in the way of my baby's happiness. And what's the rational thing to do when we don't get our way? Shout and scream obscenities until we feel better! Be nice to others only if they are nice to you, kids! If someone disagrees with you, then they are a useless twat, and you should tell them! If you don't get your own way, just complain until you do. As soon as anyone questions you, cite the moral high ground, and it is yours!

It's sad, it really is. Sport is a reflection of society. People who frequently break the law think that all police are out to get them. People who drive like morons blame everyone else. Our kids see this, and they turn out just like us. They learn from what they see. Now just because someone won't be nice to you, doesn't give you the green light to be unpleasant to them. Be the bigger man. Be the change that you want to see in the world. If we were all just that tiny bit nicer to people, the world would be a much nicer place.

And if you abuse the referee you are a dick, and if you blame the referee it's because you're just terrible at football.

Thank you for reading.

The Aggregation of Marginal Gains: Every Little Helps

Do you kind of want it? Would it be nice to have? Is it something to do if it fits in with your schedule? These are not the words or sentiments of champions. Champions get up early. Champions go to bed late. Champions risk everything. Champions make sacrifices. Do you?

In this piece I will talk about marginal gains. This is the idea that everything positive you do can benefit the team and individuals over time, by making every aspect just a tiny bit better.

Here's an American to help us understand better.

It's actually a fairly easy concept to grasp, and probably something we strive for in many areas, yet don't realise we're doing it. Like in order to become a better person, one might learn a new language, exercise more regularly, spend more time with family, dedicate more time to sleeping, be more organised, not make stupid purchases, plan a better diet etc. There are many more examples, but think of how more wonderful you would be with better sleep, better diet, were fitter, healthier, more social, were better with money. By affecting every area, even just a little, you suddenly realise what a massive step forward you have taken.

Remember the South Park episode where the boys came together to defeat the nerd on World of Warcraft? Sacrifice, determination, teamwork in abundance, but they spent hours in the forest killing wild boars as it slowly improved their XP, helping them level up.

Some steps are easier than others, which depends heavily on both the difficulty of the task and also the incentive. People tend to work harder for positive reward rather than negative punishment, so it is easier to fund money for a holiday than it is to pay bulls. There's always that one idiot who claims to be hard up, yet still has enough for a pint and some cigarettes. The rationale is that we would rather look for that reward, for that thrill, in the here and now, as opposed to making sacrifices for the long run.

The term first entered the public lexicon around 2012 following the success of the British Cycling Team.

No one is going to credit the victory to having the right kind of seat, are they? "It's all down to the fact that my bum felt one percent better throughout this race. Thank you." So what's the point in doing it, right?

Due to the success of British cycling,

road users now have to endure this.

Before then, if you said to someone "let's make everything within our control just that tiny bit better" they would probably reply with "yeah, I reckon that will work". Now it has become the obsession of top level athletes and coaches all over the world. There is no more reckon. This is a way of life. Do you know that top athletes even have their pillows and mattresses customised? If gives them a better night's sleep, aids recovery, and creates a sense of familiarity and routine. Could you really be bothered to do that? Neither can the athletes, but the teams spend huge amounts of money on rearranging hotels and creating sleeping pods for their players, just to gain that extra little advantage. Just to gain that one inch.

Where do we start? List absolutely everything that is in your control, or at least have a small influence over. Now get rid of whatever seems immoral. Are there any lines you won't cross? I will never encourage my players to hound the referee in the hope we may get one extra decision go our way in a game. I don't want to win that way. Erase anything on that list that crosses your lines. Now, split everything into two piles. What can you change immediately, and what will change over time? Right now I can make sure that all players wear shinpads in every training session. They all have them, and that is the rule. Instant change, instant gain. What else? We can definitely do a cool down at the end of each session. We know how to do that, so can begin immediately.

Aristotle.

What about the things that will take more time? Here we have components such as stamina, tactical discipline, decision making etc. And break these down. Make them very specific. Now create a timeline. Base it on the ability and potential of the players, the time you have with them per week, and when you feel you should be achieving it. Anything that can be tested and quantified should be. Regular fitness tests to help the team reach that goal.

Below are some examples of how we can gain that extra inch. Take a look, and see which ones you can implement. This list is by no means exhaustive. And remember, you can have excuses or results, not both.

Training:

• Arrive early.
• Have everything set up ready before you begin.
• Begin on time, not five minutes past.

• 

  Fight together, and fight for every inch.

  Time breaks at only thirty seconds, rather than just letting them go.
• Have a drinks area so that no one has to run off to the other side of the field.
• Limit your instructional talks to no more than thirty seconds.
• Learn key words and establish phrases to help minimise time spent talking, and to avoid information overload.
• Have pumped up balls and good equipment.
• Enforce a no talking or other distractions rule. This keeps focus and high intensity, and allows you to get your point across in thirty seconds or less without stopping and having to tell them to shut up.
• Enforce a no complaining rule, or a no whining zone. Negativity spreads like wildfire and can destroy performances.
• Have an agreed upon set of rules so you don't have to waste time thinking if a player should be disciplined or not. If the boundaries are clear, it is easier to tell if they have bee overstepped.
• Do not do anything too complicated as it confuses them, which slows down the intensity, and wastes time which could otherwise be spent playing. If you really have to do something complicated, build upon it over time, so the players can recall the previous steps in weeks gone by.

  

  Who is the coach and who are the players?

• Wear training kit. Then everyone feels like a team, and is more likely to be in a high performing mindset, rather than a piss about with your mates frame of mind.
• Have a routine and stick to it, making transitions easier from one part of the session. For example thirty minutes fitness, thirty minutes technical, thirty minutes tactical, thirty minutes small sided game. The players know what to expect, and it makes planning easier.
• Always plan, and always have a backup plan. Always include progressions and regressions if it is too easy or too difficult.
• Make the session fluid so that all you have to do is pick up one or two cones, then you can move into the next exercise, rather than having to lay everything out again.
• Have the coaches easily identifiable. Make them stand out. If the players are in red, have the coaching staff in yellow. Who here is the coach? Oh him over there in the yellow. Easy.
• Have others around you to share the workload. When you have important decisions to make and a whole group of players that need your keen eye, you can't waste time arsing around with administration duties. Someone else can figure out player registrations. You get in there and coach or observe what needs to be done.
• Play with nets and fences so that time isn't wasted getting the balls.

Cool down. Definitely not a scientific masterpiece.

Like I said, not exhaustive, but all this done in conjunction will make for better training sessions. Over two hours, you will spend about ten minutes more playing and training, rather than arsing about. Six sessions, and you have clawed back an extra hour of practice from all that previously wasted time. Not to mention that the quality will be about ten percent better too, as it will be more intense.

Bikers.

Every little gain has a knock on effect that manifests itself into other areas. It's like a snowball rolling downhill. We will complain that our players act a certain way, like they are lazy or distracted, and how that ruins sessions, and that we waste too much time explaining things again and going over mistakes, but what if we broke it down and tried to find out why? Do you let them get away with it when they are late? Do you let them train in the wrong kit or the wrong shoes? Are they stood around for ages while you talk endless rubbish about the Austrian Wunderteam of the thirties, and that you like the ideas of Brendan Rogers, but just think he's a bit of an idiot, and that actually the Germans dominated football in the seventies, not the Dutch? We've all seen it. Some of us will have done that ourselves. It's time to stop. When explaining a game, this is all you need to mention; the area, the teams, the rules, how to score. Play.

It all adds up. Look at dny successful coach, and you will notice their attention to detail. They care about things that you would not have deemed important or worthy of even caring about. They focus on the finer details. If you get the little things right, the big things will fall into place.

Now let's have a look at how we can apply the principles to performances within a game. We have just made training more effective and you can notice the differences in the players.

This speech will never not work.

• Thorough warm up - Better mentally and physically prepared going into the game. More switched on in the first ten minutes. Could prevent two early goals in a season. Not much.
• Thorough cool down - Better chance at preventing injury. Means our players will miss less games and will suffer less overuse injuries. May get an extra two games out of two players by avoiding injury. One of them could be an important player who goes on to score one winning goal in a game they may have been injured in.

  

  Fail and come back stronger.

• High pressure - Better organisation and quicker to the ball in the opposition half of the field. It may win us a corner or so per game. If we work on the idea that five corners equals one goal, over five games, we may score one extra goal from forcing errors in their defence.
• Tracking back - Sometimes the defence can deal with it, but we need to prevent overloads. By following your runner, you could stop them from scoring. You could do it one hundred times and only intercept the ball once, but if everyone does it, we could prevent one goal per game.
• Set pieces - It depends on the level at which you play, but goals coming from free kicks and corners account for a significant proportion of goals scored. Better organisation in attack and defence may score us an extra four goals per season, and it may prevent four goals per season.
• Fitness - Certainly killed us on Sunday. If we had ninety three minutes in us rather than just ninety, we win the game 1-0. Our opponent continued for all ninety three minutes, scoring two goals in injury time and winning 2-1. Being fitter might only prevent five goals per season.

• 

  SWP and Lampard, now featuring in Gangs of New York.

  Analysis - Can be time consuming and boring, but worth doing. Videos of games, highlighting team and individual performances, showing errors and how we can adapt certain aspects of the game. For example, looking at the attacking runs of the wingers might enable them to put in an extra cross or two per game. Not much, but it is an inch worth gaining. Both wingers put in two extra crosses per game, that's four more crosses for the CF to run onto, that could give us an extra goal every other game.
• Know your role - If every player has a little bit of a better understanding of their roles and responsibilities, they improve their performance. Even as much as five percent per player would be like having an extra half player on the pitch. Improve every player performance by ten percent and we are then figuratively playing twelve versus eleven. How much would it help to have an extra player on the pitch? Especially against tough teams, we would love to play with twelve. Even if it seems unimportant, like the right defender and the left defender bombing forward to join in with attacks, it gives us another player in an attacking area. That's another resource. That puts the odds slightly more in our favour. Overlapping fullbacks may only give us an extra goal per three games.

These are just some examples, but I will add it up, using a twenty game season to make the numbers easier.

Goals prevented: 2, 20, 4, 5 = 31

Goals scored: 4, 4, 10, 6 = 24

Now these are just rough estimations, and it depends on the team you are playing, as well as your own strengths and weaknesses. The point is that it demonstrates how every little inch counts. Twenty four scored and thirty one prevented are very high estimates, but who knows? It's something to strive for.

I will make a comparison using teams from the English Premier League last season. After the final thirty eight games, the following positions looked like this, with goals for, goals against, and goal average.

1st. Chelsea - 73 - 32 - +41
4th. Manchester United - 62 - 37 - +35
10th. Crystal Palace - 47 - 51 - -4
17th. Aston Villa - 31 - 57 - -26
20th. QPR - 42 - 73 - -31

Goals convert into points. Manchester United in fourth finished seventeen points behind the Champions Chelsea. The difference in their goal difference was six. Six 1-0 wins gives you eighteen points, enough for Man Utd to move above Chelsea into first place. Likewise at the bottom. QPR were relegated with thirty points, and Aston Villa were safe with thirty eight. The goal difference was five between the two teams. Five 1-0 wins gives QPR an extra fifteen points, which would have put them at 14th place, meaning they would still be playing Premiership football this season. Every little helps.

The players have to understand this, and it is so important for them to see the value in everything that you do. As with the parents, who still have a huge influence over the younger ones, they need to be on board too.

So how do we convince them it is worth it? Meetings, videos, presentations, reaffirming the key points, have the rest of the coaching staff truly buy into it. It will take time, and not everything can be done at once, so change the easy stuff immediately and come up with a plan for when certain objectives should be achieved by.

It will be slow, and at times even painful, but it does add up. People will tell you certain things are pointless, and will try cutting corners wherever possible. Champions don't cut corners. Champions don't half effort it. Champions are all in.

Now try your best to not let this pump you up: 

Stadium Guide

Stadium Guide

As an experienced traveller, of both my home lands and those afar, I have been lucky enough to visit many stadiums across the globe. These include some of the oldest, the most modern, the tacky, and the most iconic. The sports, venues, countries, and continents vary. Each picture will be accompanied by a brief description of what it is actually like there.

The sporting nations include Canada, Mexico, The United States, Costa Rica, England, Wales, France, Spain, Germany, The Netherlands, and Kuwait. It includes the Azteca and Wembley, and also Fratton Park. Sandwiched between Barcelona and Borussia Dortmund is Barnsley.

Country: Mexico

Capacity: 105,000

Get in/Get out: It's a pain. I describe it as like that planet in the movie Interstellar, where seven Earth years is one hour on that planet. Theoretically, I can get from my apartment to this stadium in thirty minutes, but this is Mexico, and nothing is ever simple. Many times, due to traffic, bad planning, and everything else this wonderful country can throw at you, I have been very late to games, or even missed it altogether. Give yourself at least three hours to get there.

Atmosphere: The fans have got that head-up-their-bum attitude that a lot of fans of big teams have. They don't generate much noise and expect things on the pitch to just happen. When it doesn't, they make this stupid whistle sound. They also boo their own players for playing badly, despite being national and Champions League champions.

Prices: Very reasonable. Depending on the team and the seat, can be between £5-20.

Special Memory: I love seeing the Eagle at half time. Her name is Celeste, and she attacks a yellow football. Really though, it must go to Ronaldinho. He came on for Queretaro in the 84th minute and scored two goals. Both nutmegs. Everyone cheered, even the America fans. Some America players were even taking selfies with him at half time. Have some self-respect. Do it in the tunnel where your own fans can't see you.

Country: England

Capacity: 38,000

Get in/Get out: Quite a pain in the bum as most are in London. There was nowhere to park, so one had to rely on public transport.

Atmosphere: It's known as the Highbury Library for a reason.

Prices: Can't remember as I was a kid and my parents paid.

Special Memory: A great game between Rovers and Arsenal which featured the likes of Keith Gillespie, and a last minute equaliser in a 3-3 draw from David Dunn after Jens Lehman messed up. Before the game, as the star studded Arsenal lineup was being broadcast, with Henry, Pires, Vieira etc. one lone Rovers fan stood up by himself and shouted "WHO???!!" after ever single name had been called. Including the subs.Country: England

Capacity: 60,000

Get in/Get out: It's in the same place pretty much as Highbury, so you must rely on public transport. It is served well by rail links, both underground and overground, but it can take ages to leave as ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY HAS TO USE THE TRAIN.

Atmosphere: Typical quiet Arsenal fans. You may get one wonderful chap who will begin to shout "AAAWWW-SE-NULL" at the top of his longs, but everybody hates this guy.

Prices:

Special Memory: Well I once saw a man eat slices of ham straight from the packet, and also had executive seats for a Champions League game against Dortmund, but it has to be when the New York Red Bulls won the Emirates Cup after a last minute Karl Jenkinson own goal.

Country: England
Capacity: 43,000

Get in/Get out: Quite good. Just off the M6. Plenty of places to park within a short walk to the ground.

Atmosphere: Depends on the game and how their season is going. One League Cup game (we went though a phase of playing Villa v Rovers matches seemingly every week) us Rovers fans mocked them by singing their own songs for them. Other games the Villa fans have been loud and proud.

Prices: Usually quite fair. Never felt ripped off.

Special Memory: One year Villa were drawn against Rapid Vienna in the qualifying stages of the Europa League. It was a dramatic thriller over two legs that the Austrians eventually won. I wanted to go but couldn't, so naturally was very upset at missing it. A year later, the exact same thing happened again, and this time I got to see it.

Country: England

Capacity: 30,000

Get in/Get out: We went there many years ago and they were most unpleasant. It may have changed, but it was horrible to get to and horrible to park.

Atmosphere: Dull and boring, much like Birmingham.

Prices: No idea.

Special Memory: Dwight Yorke scoring the only goal after four minutes in a 1-0 Rovers win. Made even sweeter by the trouble we had before the game. Birmingham fans were rocking the car and spitting at us as we tried to park. The attendant wouldn't let us in, saying it was full. We had hundreds of cars behind us all looking for a place to park, but obviously couldn't move with everyone in the way. The guy wouldn't let us in to turn round, and wouldn't help direct the other cars back so we could move out. You find unpleasant people everywhere, but sometimes we are lucky enough to encounter that special kind of jerk. They really take being a jerk very seriously and show great dedication.

Country: Spain

Capacity: 99,000

Get in/Get out: Not experienced a game, only a tour. That was fairly easy as only a few thousand people were about. We parked in the street and paid by the hour.

Atmosphere: I'm lead to believe that it is rocking.

Prices: Again, not sure.

Special Memory: It's more the trip itself I remember. Went with an ex-girlfriend to see Aerosmith, and we also had our car towed for parking illegally. I beat a young Brazilian kid at FIFA, and one of the hotel staff walked in on me naked as I was changing in my room. As the for the tour, the trophies are impressive, as is the commentary box, where hundreds of people climb in, very high above the ground, to broadcast in many different languages.

Country: England

Capacity: 23,000

Get in/Get out: Quite alright. Park in the street.

Atmosphere: There wasn't much when we were there. I suppose we are Blackburn and no one cares about us.

Prices: Reasonable for the Championship.

Special Memory: This was the first game I went to with my ex-Canadian girlfriend. She used to tell me how rowdy hockey fans were. She was mortified at quite standard chants such as "Wanker, wanker, wanker". The Rovers fans were on form that day.

Country: Germany

Capacity: 81,000

Get in/Get out: We found it easy. We stayed in a hotel just up the road and walked to the game.

Atmosphere: Unbelievable. We were in the Sudtribune, which is all standing. 23,500 people all wearing yellow, chanting and singing in synchrony. Unforgettable.

Prices: Like all German prices, incredibly good value. I paid about £25.

Special Memory: Real Madrid hammered Dortmund 5-0 in what was their 100 year celebration game. Not nice. Arjen Robben scored one of the fastest hit shots ever recorded; a volley after a corner was cleared. What sticks in my mind though is the ex-Dortmund defender Christoph Metzelder, who was then playing for Real. After the game, he came to salute the fans in the Sudtribune. They started to copy him, so as he waved, they waved.As he sat down, all 23,500 of us sat down.

Country: England

Capacity: 31,000

Get in/Get out: Take the train. It is right there. Parking is annoying and Brighton is just one of those places that will annoy you if you go by car.

Atmosphere: It was a cold Tuesday night against Blackburn. Nothing special happened.

Prices: Don't remember it being unreasonable.

Special Memory: Seeing Colin Kazim-Richards' dad in the crowd give him a hug after the game.

Country: Almost Wales

Capacity: 27,000

Get in/Get out: Wasn't difficult. Easy enough drive.

Atmosphere: The away fans sit right next to the home fans. The divide is very small. Rovers won that game 5-3, so there was lots of back and forth between the fans.

Prices: Decent.

Special Memory: The 5-3 game was great. Obviously Steve Kean's fault. A fat guy took his shirt off and celebrated, threatened the Bristol fans, then fell over. There were some good goals, and I got a good look at Jordan Rhodes and Nuno Gomes up close. The best bit must be my dad making fun of this girl's accent when trying to buy a burger. He explained he wanted no greens in his burger, to which she said "So you want no salad or nuffin?" just like Vicky Pollard. Without missing a beat, he responded, mimicking her perfectly, with "No, no salad or nuffin". Also, signs in the bathroom will tell you to expect no water during busy periods.

Country: Canada

Capacity: 19,000

Get in/Get out: Plenty of parking, good links to the C-Train, and right down town too.

Atmosphere: It depends on the game. Sometimes it can be incredible with constant noise and everyone in red. Other times you get the feeling of indifference.

Prices: Depends on the team and the location. In the lower bowl, it can cost hundreds, even thousands. Towards the top, we're looking at $20-50.

Special Memory: Following the win over Arizona Coyotes with only two games remaining, they should the LA v Edmonton game on the big screen. Ten minutes to go, and the Edmonton Oilers were beating the LA Kings. This meant one win for Calgary would guarantee playoffs. It also meant Calgary fans inside their own stadium cheering on their biggest rivals. And we shall never speak of it again.

Country: Wales

Capacity: 33,000

Get in/Get out: Well you don't really want to be in Wales anyway. This is a little outside the city, and I drove there and parked with no problems.

Atmosphere: It was a poorly attended League Cup game, so can't comment too much.

Prices: Fairly cheap.

Special Memory: The game that Steve Kean wanted to win, then didn't want to win. Before the game we were going to give it everything in this quarter final. Give the fans something to cheer for and be happy about. After the loss, it because we decided that we need to concentrate on the league as that is our priority. Bellend.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 10,000

Get in/Get out: Easy to find. Quite modern so well organised.

Atmosphere: I only went for a USWNT training session, but that was very well attended. The shape and the location make for an idea venue for cool summer evenings.

Prices: No idea.

Special Memory: Seeing Hope Solo up close, the Abby Wambach Ice Bucket Challenge, and seeing little boys wear shirts with female names on the back.

Country: England

Capacity: 42,000

Get in/Get out: One should use the tube.

Atmosphere: The game I want to was the reserve final, Rovers v Chelsea, so only a couple thousand went, as you can tell by all the empty seats.

Prices: This game was only a fiver, but Chelsea are the most expensive in the league.

Special Memory: Seeing Grant Hanley and Phil Jones before they reached the first team. It was also the afternoon of an IRA bomb scare. My mother phoned me in a panic and asked me where I was at that precise moment. An Irish bar.

Country: Mexico

Capacity: 33,000

Get in/Get out: By far the easiest and most enjoyable stadium in Mexico City to travel to. It is very close to about three Metro stations.

Atmosphere: Depends on the game. Sometimes it has been fantastic, others quite dull. I have seen them boo their own players and manager.

Prices: I don't think I have paid more than a tenner.

Special Memory: I did see the Marco Fabian Puskas nominee goal. That was incredible. Outside the stadium, there was the time I kept posing for pictures with this guy's daughter. He started off having a go at me because I was wearing a Santa Cruz shirt. Then he became my best friend and was trying to pie me off on his daughters.

Country: England

Capacity: 15,000

Get in/Get out: I honestly don't remember. I was a kid and worried about other things.

Atmosphere: Quite hostile. It was very enclosed, so the fans could easily be on top of the players.

Prices: Again, just a kid.

Special Memory: My first ever game was seeing Saints v Lincoln City in what I think was the League Cup. They were a few leagues below Saints, and yet they messed it up. Can't remember if it was a loss or a draw.

Country: England

Capacity: 34,000

Get in/Get out: The first time we went there it was a real treck as fans had to walk miles after parking their cars. The second time, just a couple years ago, it was a lot better.

Atmosphere: Nothing special.

Prices: Fair.

Special Memory: Leon Best being a lazy bum and scoring a pretty good equalising goal. Both games I have been there for have been opening games of the season between Derby and Rovers, and if memory serves, neither were Premiership games.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 18,000

Get in/Get out: Just round the corner from Newark train station.

Atmosphere: Quite good when I went as it was a derby between the Devils and the New York Islanders. A bit manufactured though like most arenas over there.

Prices: A lot better than at Madison Square Gardens. I think I paid about $20.

Special Memory: The Devil being a joker, scaring people by jumping out at them and banging a drum as the exited the lift.

Country: Canada

Capacity: 10,000

Get in/Get out: Nice and easy.

Atmosphere: Quiet and close, so the fans can get really aggressive and personal at the players. Saw a lot of idiots there that day.

Prices: Cheap.

Special Memory: Still got a ball from that game back home. All the kids were scrambling to catch one as the foul balls came at us. My host family kid, Jared, went and got one and gave it to me.

Country: England

Capacity: 90,000

Get in/Get out: It's a massive pain. Trains are always jammed, and the roads around it are so small, traffic lasts for hours. It can cost you £30 for parking.

Atmosphere: It has been great, like against Brazil and Spain, but at other times, no.

Prices: Bloody extortionate really. Try going to friendlies and sitting high up. Then it can be between £20-40. I got a lot free with the FA Coaches Association.

Special Memory: Being paid to take some kids on a tour and having a photo with the FA Cup. There's also seeing Ronaldinho for Brazil, Tranquilo Barnetta scoring the same goal twice against England, and calling it before it happened. Seeing the St. George's flag being made by the fans while the national anthem goes off is inspiring to any Englishman.

Country: England

Capacity: 5,000

Get in/Get out: Park in a cul de sac.

Atmosphere: The ground is so small you feel like a linesman.

Prices: Cheap as chips.

Special Memory: Portsmouth had a friendly against Real Betis, but due to a problem with their plane, they couldn't fly back from the USA. Havant cancelled their game with Gosport for this. After ten minutes the No. 10 for Betis had scored a hat-trick, so they pulled him off. It was a humbling experience, but then the teams were about five or six divisions apart. It gave me a real good insight into watching professionals up close without the distractions of a crowd. I learnt a lot from that game.

Country: Kuwait

Capacity: 22,000

Get in/Get out: Just walk in. Literally.

Atmosphere: Nothing. There are no fans. No one pays for tickets. You find a door, walk in, sit down, and a guy brings you tiny cups of coffee.

Prices: Completely free. Only two clubs in Kuwait have fans. The people who own these clubs are so rich that they don't need fans. They pay for everything themselves. It's like playing FIFA against your friends on Xbox, apart from it's real life.

Special Memory: Nothing happened. It was a boring game. I was almost tempted to join the other five fans when the prayer call came on.

Country: Kuwait

Capacity: 18,000

Get in/Get out: Walk in. Park in the street and walk in.

Atmosphere: Decent for the Lebanon game, awful for the Thailand game. Against Thailand, Kuwait had qualified for the Asian Championship. There were parties in the streets all night long. Essentially five cars drove round with flags, honking their horns.

Prices: I actually paid for this one is it was the national team. It was about a fiver.

Special Memory: Going with a friend of mine, and having the longest flag ever. This one girl took a picture with me with it. After the Lebanon game, I met the Lebanese fez guy.

Country: England

Capacity: 38,000

Get in/Get out: Don't go to Leeds. We drove and it wasn't that bad.

Atmosphere: "He's one of your own, he's one of your own, Jimmy Savile, he's one of your own". There's not really much you can say back to that.

Prices: If memory serves, a bit deer.

Special Memory: Rovers won the game, something rare in itself, but the fans were excellent that day. "We're winning away, we're winning away, how s*** must you be, we're winning away".

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 19,000

Get in/Get out: Nice big multi-storey just across the road. No problems here.

Atmosphere: It was good. We saw a Stanley Cup playoff game. The pregame show was amazing, and really pumped everyone up.

Prices: Not bad considering it was Stanley Cup against the Montreal Canadiens.

Special Memory: My parents actually enjoying something I thought they would find boring.

Country: France

Capacity: 50,000

Get in/Get out: Quite easy. A new more developing part of town.

Atmosphere: Found it to be quite good. Bayern had come to town. The only downside was that the fans were upset as they had lost some of their bigger names, and had rejects like Salomon Kalou playing for them.

Prices: Reasonable. It helps to have good friends.

Special Memory: This was part of the season when Bayern went on to b Champions. Made me feel like I was part of it.

Country: France

Capacity: 18,000

Get in/Get out: Parking was easy.

Atmosphere: The far corner always had a lot of fans making noise.

Prices: Good.

Special Memory: The 5-4 loss to Bordeaux. Freezing cold, the game was nearly called off. About twenty people had made the trip from the South of France. Bordeaux took a 4-1 lead and Lille were terrible. Hazard scored an amazing free-kick, which I got on video, and then Lille pulled it back to 4-4 with seconds to go. Sadly, in injury time, Bordeaux got the fifth goal to break Lille hearts. I also met the scout sent from Liverpool to keep an eye on Joe Cole.

Country: England

Capacity: 45,000

Get in/Get out: Liverpool is a real pain if you are driving. We missed the first couple of seconds, and had to park at Goodison Park.

Atmosphere: Alright I suppose. Bunch of delusional morons if you ask me.

Prices: High end Premier League.

Special Memory: Sat behind a pillar, near some drunk aggressive Rovers fan. Somehow, despite having no back line due to injury, Rovers pulled off a 1-1 draw. It was Boxing Day, and we thought that making the trip was a stupid idea. We were very happy all the way home. Andy Carroll also showed his worth.

Country: England

Capacity: 46,000

Get in/Get out: Always found it very easy. Just remember where you park, and don't be a tight-wad.

Atmosphere: No consistency. I have seen it virtually empty and also completely buzzing.

Prices: I have been here many times, though always for Europa League or Champions League. I do not remember paying more than about £25.

Special Memory: There's many from this place. The most boring game ever, 0-0 against PSG, where PSG fans did a version of the Poznan, many years before Lech Poznan. Spending an hour and a half looking for my car after the Juventus game. A very exciting quarter final game against Hamburg, which only cost a five. And of course, being there the night that both Manchester teams were eliminated in the group stage of the Champions League on the same night.

Country: England

Capacity: 76,000

Get in/Get out: Found the roads to be a bit of a pain. Probably everyone driving up from and back to London that clogs it up. Parking can be a bitch, as anyone who knows what "Is that your Astra, mate?"

Atmosphere: In sections it is very good, but honestly, a big club like this attracts a lot of tourists and casuals. With such a huge stadium, you can be in areas where it is like death warmed up.

Prices: Holy hamburgers! £60 to be right at the back sometimes. So far away from anything, you can hardly see.

Special Memory: Rovers v Chelsea FA Cup semi final. We almost had them. Still rue that late Pedersen miss.

Country: England

Capacity: 20,000

Get in/Get out: It's London, so expect pain. You can get there by train, but most people recommend strong groups.

Atmosphere: Supposedly hostile, but for my one trip in the FA Cup with Rovers, nothing happened. Probably because we are not important.

Prices: Not bad.

Special Memory: Being completely underwhelmed by not being attacked or abused by any Millwall fans,

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 18,000

Get in/Get out: Easily accessible by New York public transport.

Atmosphere: Engineered. It's a fairly new team. They have this Brooklyn thing going on where they play tons of hip hop, rap, and mention the name Brooklyn about a hundred times a minute.

Prices: Again, a lot better than Madison Square Gardens.

Special Memory: The announcer was a white guy with dreadlocks. The people in front of me also missed at least half of the game by going for food or going to the bathroom.

Country: England

Capacity: 52,000

Get in/Get out: I only went for a friendly, and managed a spot in a multi storey around the corner. It may be a bit more difficult for competitive games.

Atmosphere: Even good for a friendly.

Prices: Can't really say.

Special Memory: Stunning free kick from Balazs Dzsudzsak and a good hit from Ola Toivonen in a 2-2 draw with PSV Eindhoven.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 3,000

Get in/Get out: Park on campus and walk.

Atmosphere: Surprisingly good. I didn't think college soccer would have hardcore fans, but they do, and are behind the goal, singing songs and waving flags.

Prices: Something like $5. Cash.

Special Memory: Running into a lady I was on the National Diploma with, and sitting with her and her husband, as her son played in the game.

Country: England

Capacity: 26,000

Get in/Get out: We parked a little away at a shopping centre and walked.

Atmosphere: Alright. It was a good game. We knew Delia was there somewhere.

Prices: Not bad.

Special Memory: We saw Dan on the way to the game. Very entertaining 3-3 draw with the mighty Rovers.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 45,000

Get in/Get out: Served well by the Long Island Rail Road.

Atmosphere: Engineered, like most Americans. Very good for the Yankees game though.

Prices: Reasonable, though I always took the cheap seats, hence why you can't see the players. $20 for them. With baseball, it's not the tickets that get you, but the food and the merchandise.

Special Memory: There's quite a few. Seeing Foreigner after a game was an unforgettable night, especially as I was by myself when instructed to grab hold of your loved one for "I want to know what love is". Being denied access by a Chelsea supporting policeman for having a Rovers coat on. Obviously the name R. A. Dickey. I love the seventh innings stretch, and the rendition of Little Mary. All things considered, nothing can beat beating the Yankees. The Mets went on to sweep the series 4-0. The different fans all sat together, and there was great back and forth. The Yankees fans behind me said "If this was Yankee Stadium it would be full", to which a Mets fan replied "Yeah, full of chodes". Top marks.

Country: Spain

Capacity: 56,000

Get in/Get out: It is right next to the concert hall where we saw Aerosmith, so found it pretty easy.

Atmosphere: Didn't actually go to a game.

Prices: Not a lot really happens here anymore.

Special Memory: There was a little cat walking around the empty stadium. I got talking to him for a while.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 17,000

Get in/Get out: Easy parking and a safe walk in downtown Orlando.

Atmosphere: Slightly disappointing. It was the last game of the season and the Magic were not off to the playoffs.

Prices: I believe we paid about £20 or so.

Special Memory: The fans' marching bad outside.

Country: France

Capacity: 50,000

Get in/Get out: About four miles from the city centre. Whenever I have been here, I have been staying in Paris anyway, so just walk. It can be done quite easily on the Metro.

Atmosphere: Hostile. Two supporters groups that fight with each other. Big signs out the ground saying no knives, guns, homophobia, sexism, racism etc. You can imagine what problems they have dealt with before. Plus the crowd is very, very white.

Prices: This was before PSG had rich Qatari owners, so you never know. It was probably a bit less than £20.

Special Memory: It was Valentine's Day 2009. The St. Etienne fans had green and white hearts, the PSG fans had signs that said "I love Paris", there were fireworks and flares, and Mamadou Sahko scored.

Country: England

Capacity: 21,000

Get in/Get out: Traffic can sometimes be a problem. Parking has improved over the years. The train station is right around the corner.

Atmosphere: Since they are not distracted by modern amenities such as scoreboards, comfortable seats, and clean bathrooms, the fans can make a great atmosphere. It's a shame they only know one song.

Prices: About £20.

Special Memory: Ronaldinho's free kick in the 2-2 draw with AC Milan. Breathtaking.

Country: Netherlands.

Capacity: 35,000

Get in/Get out: There's parking there. I parked in the street.

Atmosphere: Been there twice, but never to a game.

Prices: If you're foreign, the Dutch are very sceptical of hooligans, and therefore you need to buy a whole package first, that includes a meal and a tour.

Special Memory: Boiling hot summer while doing a tour through Europe. With an ex girlfriend, we stopped there, had a look round, and went into the shop. Asking a couple people if they knew where we could get a drink. This Romanian lady who lived in Eindhoven said "Sure, I'll take you". We were expecting a Co-op or something. We get in a lift to the Eetcafe, which has all the trophies and signed memorabilia, with a stunning view of the pitch. And by far the best burger I have ever had, which had a fried egg in it. Amazing. There was also a guy from Costa Rica who had come to visit his pen friend. They were totally banging.

Country: London

Capacity: 18,000

Get in/Get out: Difficult to find. Busses and train lines seemed to go everywhere but there. We ended up walking bloody ages.

Atmosphere: You're very close to the field, so you can really get caught up in the game.

Prices: Too much for what you're seeing, really.

Special Memory: Seeing David Goodwillie on the field after his rape accusations. "We know she said yes, we know she said yes, David Goodwillie, we know she said yes". Followed up by "We rape who we want, we rape who we want, we're Blackburn Rovers, we rape who we want". Not to condone rape or suggest there is anything remotely funny about it. Just relaying the twistedness of English football fans.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 40,000

Get in/Get out: Plenty of nearby parking. Easy walk.

Atmosphere: Engineered. Quite relaxed really.

Prices: $20 will get you an okay seat.

Special Memory: Mother's birthday 2014. It was a boring game for eleven innings, only being 1-1. Mother decides she's had enough, as the three of us are falling asleep. Not long after we walked out, the Yankees scored four runs in one innings, and we missed it all.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 25,000

Get in/Get out: The PATH train makes it very accessible from downtown New York. One can drive there quite easily from different parts of New Jersey, and there is a lot of nearby parking.

Atmosphere: You'll have the time of your life in the South Ward. Singing, dancing, chanting, abuse, flag waving. It's amazing. I would get a seat there whenever I could. The same can't be said for the rest of the ground. "Let's go Red Bulls" seems to be the only thing they know how to say. The rest of the ground is full of spectators, largely made up of people with a mild interest in the game, or who may have got discount tickets through some youth soccer initiative. You also can't say plenty of mildly rude terms, as it is offensive.

Prices: $25-30, with a good view from every seat.

Special Memory: Too many. The last minute winner from Cahill v the Galaxy, the Henry overhead kick against Montreal, meeting the Red Bull guy. It's a special place with special memories. For the Galaxy and Montreal games, my parents and best mate had flown out to visit. I told them they had to go to a game while they were in town, but I could not join them unless there was heavy rain and work was cancelled. I don't know who or how, but someone did me a massive favour, and the rain came down, meaning I got to experience both games with them, with those unforgettable moments. In the many games I have been to, I have only seen them lose once, which was 2-1 versus Vancouver. I ran into some Whitecaps fans after the game, and I was amazed to find that they had flown there specifically for the game. I assumed they may live locally, but no. They were singing "Champions of Harrison, and were on their way to celebrate in Times Square.

Country: England

Capacity: 24,000

Get in/Get out: Relatively easy to find. Park in the mud and walk.

Atmosphere: Don't remember it being amazing.

Prices: No idea as I didn't pay.

Special Memory: A boring, freezing 0-0 draw with Rovers.

Country: England

Capacity: 31,000

Get in/Get out: We don't have many fans, so it's easy.

Atmosphere: Poor in the main stand, pretty good everwhere else.

Prices: Always reasonable. Always the cheapest season tickets in the top leagues in England and Scotland.

Special Memory: This is a place that holds loads, good, bad, and funny. We lost 3-2 to ten men of Liverpool, a game in which the Yak took the worst penalty I have ever seen, but just passing it to the keeper. With eight games to go, everyone knew, even me, ever the optimist, that Rovers were to be relegated. I have played on this pitch, meeting childhood hero Kevin Gallacher. There was the time Kevin Davies fell over when through on goal during his return with Southampton. I've seen far too many losses in this stadium that I struggle to remember wins. After a 2-0 victory over Bristol City in the 3rd round of the 2013 FA Cup, my ex girlfriend from Canada and I won the half time lottery, It was a grand total of £235. After the game we hung around the entrance with a couple Asian ladies. For some reason they appeared to be fanatics, and then got picked up in a very posh car by a businessman. Okay. But I got pictures with Nuno Gomes, David Goodwillie, Jason Lowe, and ex Rover John Stead. I told Lowe that he was my girlfriend's favourite player and she had flown all the way from Canada to see him play. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said nothing.

Country: Kuwait

Capacity: 16,000

Get in/Get out: Find an open door and walk in.

Atmosphere: Sandy.

Prices: Completely free.

Special Memory: I went to watch a game, and that game didn't happen. Instead there was just a training session

Country: Costa Rica

Capacity: 23,000

Get in/Get out: Ask the security guard nicely.

Atmosphere: Did not experience a game, only a training session.

Prices: No idea.

Special Memory: Sneaking in, watching a training session, being told we can't take photos, then getting onto the pitch and blasting in two penalties against the goalkeeper coach.

Country: Germany

Capacity: 62,000

Get in/Get out: It's Germany, so easy.

Atmosphere: Incredible.

Prices: Expensive if you go third party.

Special Memory: Being amazed at the lack of segregation and policing. The Bayern and Schalke fans were all so friendly to each other. The game included a goal from my favourite goateed striker, Kevin Kuranyi.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 67,000

Get in/Get out: I walked, but Seattle has good public transport.

Atmosphere: This is one hell of a crowd. Without meaning to be, I was sat in the supporters section. They were incredible. By far the best fans I have ever seen. Even my MLS sceptic friends who sat in a different section were converted. Before the game it was all "MLS is s***. This is going to be boring". When I met them after the game, they were all buying Sounders shirts with their names on.

Prices: $20-30

Special Memory: Embarassing Beckham and the Galaxy 4-0. That was a convincing butt kicking. The abuse the fans gave LA was funny and constant. I appreciated that a lot. What made it worse was that after about an hour of abusing Beckham, as it was not his best game, the fans then started to ignore him and went silent when he had the ball. Talk about adding salt to wounds. What I really wanted to see was the brass band, known as Sound Wave. They meet before every game, and then play throughout the match. That was an incredible sight, and a must see for all football fans.

Country: England

Capacity: 32,000

Get in/Get out: Right by the train station. Southampton can be a pain to drive to.

Atmosphere: Good in places.

Prices: Changed over the years a lot following their relegations and promotions.

Special Memory: Last minute 2-1 winner by Craig Hignett for Rovers. It was offside. In that same game saw a Tugay special. Outside the box into the top corner. Turkish Delight.

Country: Mexico

Capacity: 63,000

Get in/Get out: Driving is not so bad, parking is easy, and there are metro stations nearby.

Atmosphere: I was told it was frightening and intimidating. Mexicans don't half talk a load of rubbish.

Prices: Always seem to be less than £10.

Special Memory: This crazy game against Monterrey which determined who went to the playoffs. There were some good goals in that game, but the best part was meeting Richie Boy. We just happened to be sat near the team wanker. You know, the loud, opinionated drunk idiot that everyone hates. This guy was full of himself, and everyone else was ignoring him. The ironic sense of humour us Brits have is that I then decided to make friends with him, and treat him like he was the coolest. We all posed in pictures with him, and I even got his number, but never called.

Country: England

Capacity: 26,000

Get in/Get out: Better than before, since they renovated it.

Atmosphere: Nothing special.

Prices: Okay.

Special Memory: In a 3-1 win for the Rovers, El Hadji Diouf was up to his old tricks, pissing off the home fans. All he has to do is exist in order to piss people off.

Country: England

Capacity: 35,000

Get in/Get out: Awful. And if the demographics are anything to go by, you have to travel via India.

Atmosphere: Forever blowing bubbles. I found them to be a bunch of pussies.

Prices: Okay.

Special Memory: Not being attacked like I expected after watching that movie with Elijah Wood. A 1-1 draw on my birthday, with some great defending from Christopher Samba.

Country: England

Capacity: 25,000

Get in/Get out: Park in the street and walk.

Atmosphere: Absolutely nothing.

Prices: Reasonable. And a free pie. Dave Whelan likes us.

Special Memory: Dramatic 3-3 draw with the Rovers. It was the game that caused controversy after Pedersen took the corner to himself. In the dying seconds, Paul Robinson came up for the corner. He sacrificed himself for the team. The ball bounced up, and as the Wigan defender went to clear it on the volley, Robinson saw the opportunity. He did a diving header at the guy's foot in mid air, knowing he would be kicked in the head, in order to win Rovers a penalty. With blood leaking out of his skull, he was immediately up celebrating the penalty. I believe it was the Yak who slotted it away for 3-3. Months later, I met Andre Marriner, the referee from that day, at a referee conference. He posed with me for a picture and I thanked him for that decision. He took offence to that as he told me he was suspended for two weeks following that incident. "Thanks mate, I was at that game. We need all the help we can get."

Country: England

Capacity: 32,000

Get in/Get out: Multi storey round the corner, walk to the ground.

Atmosphere: On this day, both teams could have been relegated. I could not sleep the night before.

Prices: Who cares? It's a relegation battle.

Special Memory: Five teams could go down that day, and these were two of them. The night before was a team outing with my old women's team in Winchester. All I could think about the whole time was this game. I was paralyzed. I could not sleep when we all stayed round one of the player's houses. Wide awake, staring at the ceiling. This is it. Holy Hell. In the first half, Rovers were incredible, and went into the break 3-0 up. I summed it up at half time on Facebook. "Spent last night alone in a house full of girls, and not in my wildest dreams could I have thought of anything better than three up at half time". Rovers took their foot off the gas, and Wolves pulled it back to 3-2. Other results went their way, meaning that both of us stayed up. It was an incredible finish to the game as both sets of fans were ecstatic. The Wolves fans invaded the pitch, and all of us in harmony were singing "we are Premier League".

Country: Wales

Capacity: 16,000

Get in/Get out: Park in the hood.

Atmosphere: It was a Champions League qualifier between The New Saints and Anderlecht. Hardly anyone was there.

Prices: Tickets were about a fiver on the door.

Special Memory: Seeing Romelu Lukaku not play.

Country: United States of America

Capacity: 50,000

Get in/Get out: Easy to get to on the subway.

Atmosphere: Typical manufactured American.

Prices: It's not the ticket that gets you, but the food and the merchandise. Bloody expensive.

Special Memory: Seeing Real Madrid beat AC Milan in a friendly in 2012. That had some huge stars in it, and the fans had come from all over the place to see it. Two bitches next to me pissed me off as they were constantly taking selfies. No one on instagram cares what the two of you look like. Turn the camera around and take pictures of players like Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, and Robinho. A year later I saw the Blue Jays play the Yankees. Some bros thought it would be cool to try and impress some female Blue Jay fans by being bros. They came across as obnoxious morons.