Flakiness in Football: Blame the Parents

It takes a village to raise a child. Let me first share a Facebook post of mine to let you know where this sparked from:

In today's edition of Mexico:

We have a friendly game at a venue just around the corner. I'm expecting twelve players. Some negotiations took place as some players were not going to attend. The best excuse ever being, and I am paraphrasing, my daughters can't play because of the big tournament at the club. Well, they are not playing in that tournament, and neither is your wife, so I fail to understand that one.

 I get to the venue, and we have no players there. Eventually I find one, then another. The second player there was brought by the aforementioned wife, but that girl is not her daughter. Her two were at a party last night. They are twelve and fourteen, they don't have hangovers, so a party is no excuse. We're then waiting for others to arrive, which they do at Mexican speed. Fortunately, we're not the only ones running late, and the game is delayed by half an hour. We have eight players. The parents are all contacting the ones who are not there, asking where they are. One mum claims not to have known about the game. I sent two emails. Included in that list is also the father and the daughter. Not knowing is not an excuse.

We then go to warm up on the field. There is no coaches etiquette here. No handshake before the game, no good morning how's it going. That doesn't happen. The first interaction I have with the opposing coach is her barking at me that we are playing on a different field. We go to that field, and it is a 7v7 field with small goals. One goal doesn't have a net, the other looks like a spider was drinking oil and defecated a web. The field itself was awful. There is more grass growing in my shower than there is on that field. In between the bald patches, there are rocks, divots, ankle breaking pot holes, and even a cement drain cover. The surface is also rock hard, and covered in craters, like the Moon. The only difference is that when Neil Armstrong hit that golf ball, where it was going was far more predictable than the football in today's game.

Surprisingly, while all this is going on, I can hear the parents talking about the situation of no one showing up and starting the game with eight players. They were citing respect, discipline, commitment, compromise. Like in any group, it's always the same faces you can rely on. A few minutes into the game, the three girls who were at the party show up. Only one of them has kit on. She goes straight in to make it 9v11. Just before the break we got it to 10v11, as a girl's older sister who does not play for us got out of bed to come and join in the fun. The other two girls who do not have kit on have to now wait for their mum to drive home and get it, the aforementioned wife. We're losing 2-0 at the break.

All over the place you see girls just kicking it forward with no thought of a pass, turning their back on the ball, failing to pressure just in case their opponent shoots and it hits them, ducking out of headers, swinging to kick the ball and missing, and players who clearly could not trap a bag of sand. Clearly the field didn't help, but I have seen these players play on Earth as well as the Moon.

The referee was a barrel of fun. Like a lot of people here when they go fat, he was literally barrel shaped. He kept asking me for money before and during the game. The custom is that the home team always pays the referee for friendlies. It's what we have always done. No one has told me anything about paying him. At the end of the game we did a whip round between the parents and gave him his cash. Throughout the game he kept making these weird hand signals, unlike nothing I have seen before in football. If two players collided, he would clap his hands and then circle his arms through the air. It was reminiscent of Mickey Mouse in The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Another thing he did, which all Mexican referees do, was to stop the game every time a player took any kind of knock. I'm even talking about a ball hitting them on the body or on the head. This is football. The ball will hit you. You're either blocking it or controlling it. A lot of players still put their hands in front of their face rather than heading the ball, and handball is never called in this instance.

 A little while into the second half, we're now 3-0 down, and finally these two are dressed. I make one sub, put them both in, and now we are up to 11v11. Eventually we pull a goal back. A girl under absolutely no pressure kicks the ball out for our throw in. Following the sequence, our winger robs the defender and puts it into the net in a 1v1 with the keeper. As is customary, the referee cuts the game eight minutes short. Three in the first half, five in the second.

Throughout the game, the other coach, a short fat woman, is marching up and down the touchline, barking very useful orders. My favourite was "Throw it!" when the ball had left the field for a throw in. Other classics included "control it", and "kick it". While parading up and down, she did like to stand directly in front of me for periods of time. Perhaps she liked my cologne. Perhaps she was trying to block my view. Being so very short, I could still see the entire field over her head.

Now for the benefit of everyone involved in football who is not English, British, or from one of our former colonies, as let's face it, most of you are wusses, this is a picture of a man named Terry Butcher: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/…/article-2503094-00442C82000004B0… This is England. This is football. Stop crying like a little wuss every time you feel contact. Parents, coaches, referees, call your player a crybaby and tell them to get up. Don't rush to them, pick them up, hug them, and pamper them like a baby. Doing so creates soft kids. There's only one question you need to ask; "Can you walk?" If the answer is yes, then get up and play. If the answer is no, you may still have to play depending on the subs situation. I wouldn't be surprised to see ambulances at the side of every youth football game in the near future.

Rant over. Going to enjoy the rest of my day.

And people ask me why I'm leaving.

Right. Let's put that into context. Clearly I was rather frustrated, and definitely feeling quite British too. I had a mum telling me she didn't know about the game, despite her, her husband, and her daughter, all being included in two emails that were sent out about the game. There was also a WhatsApp group, and we would train three times a week, so it's not like we didn't talk about this stuff. What a dreadful excuse. Try harder.

Why do kids play football?

There was a dad who said that his daughters couldn't play because HE was playing in a tournament. The tournament he was playing in would mean he plays two games over a weekend, while getting drunk and eating lots of food with his friends. The tournament was taking place at our club, and we were playing around the corner. Literally a five minute walk. The mum of these two girls showed up at the game, but with someone else's daughter. So dad can't take them, as he's busy. Mum is there. She's actually at the game. Just not with her own kids. She tells me that her daughters couldn't play because they had a party the night before. At the ages of twelve and fourteen. What do kids that age do at parties that make them sufficiently incapacitated that they can't play football the next morning? Keep in mind that they didn't tell me this until the morning of the game, like I was supposed to telepathically find out they would be unavailable. A different mum, upon being informed of our predicament, brought these girls from a friend's house to our game (well after kick off). Of course, they had no kit. So then their own mum went back to the house to get them their kit, so they could eventually join the game in the second half. Not in my wildest dreams could I have come up with such a rich, layered story.

There was lateness, no-shows, and players putting in zero effort. This kind of event happened with a lot of frequency. It's not just Mexico, though I have to say that Mexico are champions of this sort of thing. Evidently, I was very annoyed. How do you think the other players felt? The few that showed up, avoided plans, most likely going to bed early the night before. THEY lost. THEY suffered. Not the ones who stayed home and didn't attend. Those players had an easy weekend. And what of the two girls that were at the party and eventually played? How would they have felt having to then face up to their teammates following the awkward situation their parents put them in? Or did they actually care?

Helpful or Hamful: Parent's Expectations

You see, when you lie, break plans, display a laissez-faire attitude towards commitment, colleagues, and authority, you can be certain that your children will do the same. If you can't commit, don't commit. Other people depend on you, and you are letting them down. It teaches them that it's okay to be a flake. Most parents won't want their children to become like that, which is why they must lead by example. People follow what you do, not what you say.

Parents are the root of all evil. It's not just your parents. Your parents are probably only 30% responsible for the person you become. The rest is the neighbourhood. The sad fact is that the rest of the neighbourhood is made up of other parents. They say that the only time you should look in your neighbour's bowl is to check if they have enough. Unfortunately we're all too obsessed with social currency these days that we are constantly comparing ourselves against others. Think of the kids at school comparing bed times. There's always a seven year old who says he gets to stay up past eleven. All the other kids are jealous. Sadly, they have good parents that enforce rules and structure, unlike the other kid who has crap parents.

Look, I understand. It is difficult. I don't want to have kids. People describe that as selfish. I can't think of anything more selfish than having something you don't want. There is no book, course, or guide on how to parent. All we have is tips and opinions. Science teaches us a lot, but most people can't be arsed with facts based on research and study. Right now, I am too focused on me. I want free time. I am not where I want to be in my career. I don't want dependants. I can barely keep my plants alive.

When it comes to football, in a club sense, the coach is the parent, and the other coaches make up the village. Now throw in the parents of the kid and all the other parents, authority figures and role models. I was having a conversation with a father of one of my players, and we were talking about role models, authority figures, and what coaches represent. He said "When he comes to football, you become his other dad." And it's true. The younger the player, the more impressionable, and the more they need that guidance. We know as coaches that if the kids have terrible parenting at home, there's nothing we can do as coaches in our one hour per week to change that. We can manage it, sure, but we won't be having a profound impact on their outlook on life. We need to shift the balance of positive role models that the child is exposed to.

One good coach at a club full of idiots will be like a drop in the ocean. I've felt like that before. I'm not talking about talent, but about discipline and attitude. Sure, it largely goes hand in hand, as the correlation shows decent coaches are usually better role models. If you're the only coach that insists on punctuality, respect, handshakes, shinpads, and whatever else it may be, you will be ineffective, and easily become frustrated. "Why should we do it? Coach Lazy Bones doesn't make his players do it!" We have definitely moved away from the world where the coach is an unquestionable deity. For the better, as authority and knowledge should be questioned, but it would be nice sometimes to have people just accept that you know best without having to go through an entire spiel.

It's the same with parents though. If you have some hard working, committed, respectful players, and some that aren't, the kids who are prim and proper will be wondering why the others are allowed to get away with murder. Why does she always turn up late? Why is she wearing the wrong kit? Why does she keep messing about? It's because the parents haven't taught them that it's not okay, and the culture of both the club and the team, enables it.

Here is an excerpt from a book called Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers:

"I've often been asked to explain why we have so little trust in ourselves. I don't really know the answer to that. I know that some fear is instinctual and healthy and keeps us alert to trouble. The rest - the part that holds us back from personal growth - is inappropriate and destructive, and can perhaps be blamed on our conditioning.

In all my life I have never heard a mother call out to her child as she goes off to school, "Take a lot of risks today, Darling". She is more likely to convey to her child, "Be careful, Darling. This "Be careful" carries with it a double message: "The world is really dangerous out there"... and... "you won't be able to handle it". What Mom is really saying, of course, is , "If something happens to you, I won't be able to handle it". You see, she is only passing on her lack of trust in HER ability to handle what comes her way".

Examples of this are rife in youth football, but not just in football, in everyday life. Due to our own insecurities and not knowing how to handle situations, we sometimes do more harm than good. The mother in this situation is right to be worried and has the best of intentions, but creates a fear in her child and a reluctance on the kid's part to experiment, explore, and be creative. Of course we need to anticipate mistakes and danger, but don't put unnecessary fear into other people, especially when we don't even know what challenges are likely to be faced. Children learn best kinaesthetically through trial and error. With unnecessary fear, they become just as limited and bland as the rest of us.

At what age is it no longer the fault of the parents? It's debatable. By a certain age, even by law, people become entirely responsible for their own actions. Along the way they pick up the customs and values of their environment. They learn what is acceptable, what isn't, and what the rewards and punishments are for certain actions and choices. If a parent never teaches their child to swim, is it their fault as an adult that they still can't swim? I'll provide an example. During school I spent years studying French in class. I achieved C at GCSE. Apart from the very basic phrases, I have no idea how to speak French. What caused me to not care? My parents? My school? My classmates? I'm not the only person to come out of that school with a French GCSE and not know how to speak French. So what affected us all? Many agree that speaking a foreign language is a skill somewhere between cool and useful. Should we have been pushed? Was there a need? Did we see a need? Now we're getting closer to the answer.

As an adult I learnt Spanish. I'm now conversational, and started learning at twenty-four. I spent three years learning it from Year 7 to Year 9 while in school, the same as all the other French learners. That really was a wasted three years of classes. It had no effect on learning as an adult. Amazing. Was I pushed to learn Spanish? Not at all. If anything I was discouraged. It was expensive, time consuming, and none of my colleagues wanted to do it. Was there a need? Not really. We were encouraged to coach in English, every Mexican we interacted with spoke English. We only really needed basic phrases for food shopping. That can be mastered in half an hour. Did I see a need to learn Spanish? Absolutely. I was in their country, wanted to be able to broaden my horizons, understand more people, absorb more ideas, improve my communication skills, and improve my employability. I felt obliged, but also as if it would be too good an opportunity to miss. Compared to Chinese or Arabic, it's an easy language for an Englishman to learn. I always thought it would be cool and useful. I had the time, I had the opportunity, but most importantly, I had the intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic drives everything we do. We didn't care at school. We didn't value it. "I'm never going to go to France, so what's the point?" How do you teach value? In the early years. People follow your example, not your advice. Structure, boundaries, punishment, reward. You can tell very early on with kids how they are likely to be when they grow up. It's sad because as they get older, it gets harder to reverse the damage. We will examine how this manifests itself, but also what the cause is, which is far more important.

Many coaches, when lacking enthusiasm, care, or ideas, revert to the ultimate line drill. It's called lightning. The kids love it. You can waste about three hours playing this game. Put all of your kids in a line outside the penalty area. Put one kid in goal. Choose another kid to feed passes to the edge of the penalty area to be struck first time. If they score, they go to the back of the line. If they miss, they go in goal. Once goalkeeper, they face one shot. If they concede it, they are eliminated from the game. The line eventually dwindles to the inevitable small group of players that actually had a realistic chance of winning the game. Eliminated players wait behind the goal to see if they can catch any balls before the hit the ground. Doing so would allow that individual to join the line once more. If the ball cleanly strikes the crossbar and does not go in the goal, all players that were previously eliminated come back into the game. Simple rules, easy to manage, and the kids can do it themselves. The coach, sometimes sat nearby in the shade, will bring out his mobile and start scrolling through Tinder. Thus stuff genuinely happens, and it happens all over the world.

Lloyd Percival, a coach in Canada during the 50's and 60's who published "The Hockey Handbook" came up with his 10 Rules for Parents of Athletes in 1974. Still great stuff even today!.

Ten Rules For Parents of Athletes
1. Make sure your child knows that win or lose, scared or heroic, you love them, appreciate their efforts and are not disappointed in them.
2. Try to be completely honest with yourself about your child's athletic capability, competitive attitude, sportsmanship and actual level of skill.
3. Be helpful, but don't "coach" them on the way to the track, diamond or court ... on the way back ... at breakfast ... and so on.
4. Teach your child to enjoy the thrill of competition, to be "out there trying" to be working to improve their skills and attitudes ... to take physical bumps and come back for more.
5. Try not to re-live your athletic life through your child in a way that it creates pressure; you fumbled too, you lost as well as you won. You were frightened, you backed off at times, and you were not always heroic. Don't pressure your child because of your pride.
6. Don't compete with the coach.
7. Don't compare the skill, courage or attitudes of your child with other members of the squad or team, at least in range of him/her hearing
8. You should also get to know the coach so that you can be assured that their philosophy, attitudes , and ethics and knowledge are such that you are comfortable with them taking a prominent role in the development of your child.
9. Always remember that children tend to exaggerate, both when praised and when criticized.
10. Make a point of understanding courage and the fact that it is relative.

Kids like the game, so it's not entirely bad. If it's really hot, it's a great game to play as it requires little physical exertion. It's genuinely fun to play. The thing is that it is unrealistic to football (the ball, passed from the goal approaches the player slowly, while unopposed) as it is like the goalkeeper rolling the ball gently to the opposition striker and telling him to shoot with no one around to stop him. Secondly, the repetitions are so very slow. I've seen groups of forty or fifty kids playing this game. You have to wait for everyone else to have a turn before you do, and if you miss, you're out, waiting for an eternity to come back in and play.

We can liken this to ice cream. We love ice cream. The texture, the flavours, the sprinkles, and that it is just so soft and perfect. As adults, we can choose to eat ice cream any time we want. I have, on a number of occasions, had it for breakfast. There's no law to say I can't, and no one around who can stop me. For kids, ice cream is often used as a treat. A way to make that great day even more special. A dessert to have once a week, or for special celebrations. That's using ice cream responsibly. If it were down to the kids, they'd be having it every day. Even every meal. It's what they want, so what's the harm? We all know that any parent letting their kid have ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be catastrophically neglectful. Occasionally as a treat, and never in place of a real meal.

As mentioned before, parents are only 30% of the influence of a child. For single parents, it's even tougher. You owe it to them to take them to a good place. You leave them at school all day, so make sure the teachers have your child's best interests at heart. When you take them to sports, you're better off with a coach that is tough on them than a people pleaser. Bad parents in a good environment is actually better for the kid than good parents in a bad environment. Be thorough in the role models you expose your children to. Look for a coach with standards and conviction, that doesn't let them get away with minor infringements, and sticks to their principles.

And it's not just the one coach. It's the club. At time's I've felt like the bad guy because I've been working with Coach Idiot, Coach Lazy, Coach Appeasement, Coach Bored, Coach Hates Kids, and Coach Tinder. "Why is Coach Willy so hot on kids wearing shinpads?" So they don't get a nasty kick in the shin. So that they can go into tackles in training without fear of hurting themselves, thus making it more intense and realistic. So that they compete in training like they do during the matches, because they're wearing all the same equipment that they would do on a weekend. It's respect. It's standards. It's safety. "Oh, but it's not such a big deal. Coach Lazy doesn't make his team wear their shinpads and they're all having a great time." I've never known shinpads to be linked to enjoyment or lack thereof of football training, but hey ho.

Another thing that we learn from our parents, and from the communities that they expose us to is blame. Blaming the referee has never made anyone become a better player. Blaming your teammates creates disharmony. Never blame uncontrollable factors that are the same for both teams. I've mentioned it before many times, and we all know that a referee can make one call, which decides the closest of games. We get that. We also know, when we're not being angry and stupid, that players have thousands of chances to influence the game, before the referee even gets the opportunity to make a bad decision. Players in 11v11 are 4.5% responsible for the outcome of the match, and thus can't really go blaming individuals, unless they do something ridiculous like score ten own goals. One player may have missed an important pass which lead to a goal for the opposition, which gets highlighted as it caused a goal. Another player may miss four important passes, but none of them lead to goals due to either terrible shooting, or great goalkeeping. This does not result in a goal, so is not highlighted.

There are some parents and coaches that are far too harsh on their kids. I like criticism, if it is measured, balanced, can be acted upon, and comes with advice for the future. Otherwise, it's just moaning. Encourage your kids to reflect, honestly. What went well, and what would you do differently? Don't blame. Don't moan. Blaming is deflecting. We're all a little responsible. Very rarely, unless you are Roque Santa Cruz scoring a hat-trick for Rovers in a 5-3 loss away to Wigan, were you at zero fault. If we blame others, we don't look at ourselves and what we could have done better. Perhaps one of the biggest problems of the adult world is that it is all someone else's fault.

Blame also manifests itself in other ways that affect commitment. People blame traffic, and all sorts of things for not showing up. When you say you're going to do something, commitment is actually doing that thing. People break commitments far too easily, and it is scary. Coaches regularly talk about the worst excuses we've ever heard, and yes, we do mock people for it. We know life happens. A dad was late getting his kid to our game last weekend because his car key had been bent. He was deeply apologetic and had a photo. I once had to miss a CPD event I had signed up for because I fell down the stairs on my way to the car and twisted my ankle. Stupid things do happen, just not all the time, and not to an exclusive group of people.

Parents, coaches, and the clubs teach our younglings about responsibility. Someday, our little ones will be parents themselves. They will be bill payers. They will be bosses. They will be in charge of budgets. They will be public figures. Responsibility is not something you're just going to learn eventually when you're older by chance. It has to be taught, shown, and demanded, from a very young age.

Time Keeping is a difficult issue. We have a duty to those we serve and to those who serve us to be there when we say we will be. Good coaches like to be at their sessions well in advance. Half an hour, usually. That's because, if that awful car crash does happen, you've still got thirty minutes to play with. For that one time you may show up as the session starts, chuck some cones out, and begin with haste, but since you've been half an hour early for ten weeks in a row, most will understand it's not characteristic of you to be late. If you're always showing up at five or ten minutes after start time, and always using the same two or three excuses, people will not take you seriously. It's the same for players.

Where it becomes difficult is when it's the parents that make the kids late. It's not the kid's fault... until a certain age. Chances are though, that the damage has been done early on. There's a difference between a single mum rushing around after school driving three kids to three different sessions, and a parent with time, taking one kid to one session, and repeatedly being late. Where do we draw the line for responsibility, and where do we draw this second line; I have kids that consistently show up after the session starts. Due to school and the distance their parents have to travel, it's not actually possible to arrive on time. What do we do here? There's an obvious commitment to attendance, but the one about time-keeping is hard, as it can affect the session. Do we as coaches plan for their late arrival? There is a difference in what they do when they show up, though. Some are changed and ready to go, with shinpads and boots on. Others still need to take five minutes to sort themselves out.

According to Dan Gould at the Michigan State University Institute for the Study of Youth Sports, kids want to have fun, to get better, and to be with their friends. They want parental support and encouragement. They want you to watch them play and praise them for their effort. They want you to be realistic about their ability. They want you to be present and interested in what they are doing. This is the path to high performance. Yelling at their coach, the officials, and them is not. Being overly critical and putting extreme pressure on them is not. They want the game to be theirs!

The next issue is pressure. Parents absolutely should push their kids, but not towards the things they think they should. A parent may believe that by shouting instructions at a kid during a game, and being aggressive towards them when they lose, that they are applying helpful pressure upon them. That's absolutely not true. Where parents should be pushing their kids is towards respect, etiquette, perseverance, dedication, and effort. Try your hardest, shake hands, don't argue, don't blame your teammates, take responsibility. That's where parents need to apply pressure, and be tough on their kids.

This directly impacts the amount of effort the player will expend during games and training. If they are told they, and they alone, are responsible for how they play, then they will be working harder than if they were allowed to blame others. Effort gets results. Those with the flaky parents can sometimes be technically decent players, but are often let down psychologically by losing their heads, or becoming passengers during matches. When things are going wrong, they give up. That's a terrible life skill.

We also need to encourage an environment of creativity. There's a time and a place for it. Creativity is a way to solve problems. The players have to value the work that they are doing. If they don't possess the intrinsic motivation required to keep working, then they will not be operating at a game realistic level, thus meaning that their creative efforts are unrealistic. We see plenty of kids that can beat six players and score in training, but can't do it in a match. That's because a lot of the players they would have beaten in training, did not tackle like they would have done in a real game. Thus the player with the skills develops a false sense of confidence. They believe they have skills they actually don't.

All of this helps to build character. One way to measure character is to see how people treat those that are below them. An obvious example is how people treat waiters. One is meant to serve the other. They can be stressed, overworked, and will get something wrong. It may be your meal, or it may be someone else's. Don't take it personally, and politely ask for it to me corrected. Some patrons are rude from the moment they walk in, before the waiting staff has even had a chance to make a mistake. If you're a parent and you do that, your kids will see it, and they will think it's okay to do the same.

Character can also be tested under extreme pressure. That's when the real you comes out. When you're losing, not playing well, feel that the referee or luck is against you. How will you respond? What will you do? Will you dig in and fight, or will you roll over and die? Have you, as a parent or coach, enabled your child to give up, or encouraged them to persevere? Did you blame others for their failure or did you remind them of their commitment to their teammates?

People have three faces; public, intimate, secret. In public, I am the polished version of myself that I am expected to be for work, and to represent myself by doing what is polite, and abiding by social norms. Intimate is for those that are close to me, such as friends and family. They get to know more of the real you. Then we all have the secret self. What you really think, feel, and want. That can often be a dark place we don't let others venture to. This is where integrity comes into account, which is from our set of values. And where do we learn this from?

Leadership. Simply, those role models, and influential people, the ones that guide us, inspire us, and resonate with us. Many kids, sadly, don't have their parents as a role model, or even a leader. That's why the other 70% of a child's environment is so important. Everything mentioned thus far contributes to that 70%, from leaders and role models, to club culture and peers.

Pay great attention to what your kids are exposed to. There will be good examples and there will be bad examples. Guide them, help them, give them the tools, and make sure they're in environments that are going to challenge them and prepare them for the life that they will lead when you're gone.

In football, particularly grassroots, we often have the case where highly unqualified or inexperienced people are given access to children. Volunteers are the backbone of a country's football. If all the football volunteers decided to now show up, the nation's football would collapse overnight. Not everyone has the time or resources to better themselves through educational experiences, and so mostly will operate on conventional wisdom, such as "we've always done it this way" or "that's how it was done when I was a kid". This means they can often not truly appreciate the real implications of their words and actions.

A dad that helps out his son's U7 team does so with the best intentions, and his time and effort is invaluable. It is a noble cause only served to benefit others. What we sometimes find is that the Dad wants to play Barcelona style football with a group of kids that can't actually kick properly. If they can't kick properly, why is that? Obviously they're weak and need to toughen up. The best way to do that is through fitness training. Very quickly, we see six and seven year olds performing laps and completing circuits, because they possess improper passing technique, and thus cannot execute a model of juego de posicion. Or the team can't shoot very well, leading the coach to have them lineup, and served a pass, one by one, to shoot unopposed at goal, with a very low level of repetitions, and practically zero technical input or corrections.

The best will in the world, though misguided. The volunteer Dad understands football and can recognise the symptoms, but doesn't know how to treat them. It's like treating a headache with bengay. And this can put kids off. Following a loss at the weekend "they just don't want it enough" which is followed by extra laps. It's not beneficial, it's not fun, and it's not even relevant. Can you see how that puts kids off? How it destroys their intrinsic motivation? They don't gain mastery, nor do they truly love what they do. This leads to them not actually being that bothered about it as they grow older.

Not all grassroots coaches are like this. There are some exceptionally knowledgeable and wonderful coaches who have not even obtained licenses. There are some UEFA B and Youth Award coaches that work for free with their local U12s because they love it. They give their heart and soul to the club, and always put the kids first. When England does eventually win that second World Cup, it will be these people that deserve the most credit.

First 90 days - What I have learnt and what I would do differently.

As someone that has changed club and changed country many, many times in my short eight year coaching career, I have had to become far more adept at making first impressions. A new start is refreshing, and allows you to reassess and to grow, while trying new things and compartmentalising new knowledge. It's also a chance to start again, wipe the slate clean, and have another go.

It is absolutely false that you should be nice to win their respect. Nice people respect nice people for being nice. Not everyone is nice. Those that are not will take advantage of your niceness. You can be both polite and firm at the same time. If you only have the capacity to be one, be firm.

Set your standards straight away. After ninety days, you are no longer the new guy. Get your standards and procedures in place straight away. Those standards are not malleable. Players and parents must adapt and adjust to the new regime. Be clear on how you want them to respond to you, and what is acceptable behaviour. How do you respond to lateness, no-shows, lack of communication, lack of training intensity, homework tasks, and what is your selection policy? Are you going to exclude players that don't appear at training? Tell them straight away so there's no surprises.

Very soon, you'll notice through their consistent behaviour, who is likely to disappoint you. You'll find out which parents are helpful and trustworthy, and which parents forget to tell you they're going away for the weekend, or decide their kid can't train because they have exams the next day, but don't tell you that until after they didn't show up for training. Every few weeks you'll hear the most amazing excuse that you never thought you'd hear. And people try to tell you these stories with a straight face. You'll also worry about the kids and how this will shape their development.

Another issue worth touching on is is the role of a coach when they are new to the attention. It's a mistake many make, and I believe to be a bigger issue among younger people that become coaches, and especially an issue when males coach the female game for the first time. It happens when going abroad too. As coaches, we are often public figures. We hold power, authority, and influence. Some people will naturally detest you. Others will try to suck up to you. Either way, your role will warrant plenty of attention. Your role. Not you. The attention you get is because of the position you hold, not because you yourself are remarkable.

For example, a group of U16 American girls are going to be all over a young British male coach. It's someone interesting, with an accent, who knows about the game, and has built their knowledge in another country. They will ask stupid questions, and they will mimic the way you say things, Some of them will look at you with absolute awe. About 95% of that is due to your role. If you're good looking, charismatic, funny, interesting etc. then you're probably used to attention anyway. You may be more equipped to deal with it. For everyone else, it's not for you. If you were working in McDonald's, or passing by them in the street in civilian clothing, you would not turn any heads. Attention can go to people's heads, and make them rather deluded. The attention is not for you, the attention is for the role. If that attention does go to your head and influences your behaviour, you may have dug yourself a very deep hole after those first ninety days.

Do you want kids that flake out of their commitments?

You probably don't. Teach kids values, commitment, ethics, and resilience when they are young. If not, they will have no desire, no staying power, and no real motivation. They may want to achieve things, but will lack the conviction to either pursue those desires, or to finish their pursuit of those desires. It manifests itself into dropping out of college because they want to party, or quitting their mundane jobs because they're boring or too hard, not realising that at eighteen, we don't have much choice, and should do any job we can find while studying in order to earn money and gain experience.

There's a large difference between the things we say we're going to do, and the things we're actually going to do. How many marathons were never ran, pounds were lost, or cigarettes never smoked. How many times was "this is the year" not the year or "today is the day" not the day? Sometimes it's not even because we don't finish, but because we don't actually start. If your kid wants to do something, hold them to it.Make sure they see it through. It will be one of the best things you ever teach them to do.

To recap, this is not an assault on parents or volunteer coaches. It's a reminder to all of us that kids follow what we do, not what we say. Help create within them the courage and conviction to stick with what they want to do, and what they want to achieve. Give them skills for life.







Keep scrolling for some mildly offensive comedy relating to the subject.







In my search for parent memes, I found these classics. They're a little rude, and since the article is finished, you don't need to keep reading if you are easily offended.