Refereeing: What's Stopping You?

Hi guys n' gals, ever considered becoming a soccer referee? Much empirical research has shown that many spectators, both at home and at live games, can in fact actually do a much better job than that wanker out there.

The factors we determined by which they could referee produced astounding results:

• The ability to be able to see incidents clearly from as far as one hundred yards away.
• 20/20 hindsight, knowing exactly what to do in every situation, after witnessing multiple slow motion replays from many different angles.
• Complete non-bias, as obviously most referees are being bribed by the other team. This can often be proven when you find them wearing the opponents' shirt under theirs, getting rides to and from the game with the coach, and celebrating all goals that go against your team.
• Having bottle, as apparently this is a very important factor in refereeing, particularly in the English game. Our studies conclude that many referees in England "lack bottle," which greatly affects their decision making when judging penalty claims.
• Most people who don't referee have actually played the game, as we all know, every referee in existence absolutely hates football and has never kicked a ball in their life.
• Super Speed, much like The Flash, allowing you to never be behind play, even for three seconds.
• 360 degree vision, allowing you to see all the action in every direction, never missing an off the ball incident.
• Jedi-like powers of perception that allow you to anticipate the play well in advance, and always be in the right position, every single time.
• The ability to see the future, as we all know that yellow cards prevent players from kicking other players and from mass confrontation. No longer will referees have to rely on retrospective action where they can only card a player after something has happened. With futuristic vision, the referees of tomorrow will be awarding cards well in advance of any incidents, meaning that foul play has become preventable.

Unfortunately these bionic sideline refs will forever be just that, as they listed a number of reasons as to why they will not bestow their talents upon us:

They don't want to take the job of the referee. These are partially blind, middle aged fat men, who, according to some, have mild learning difficulties, cannot see into the future, and who have lost their bottle. What chance do they stand in life? Refereeing seems to be about the only option they have.
• You couldn't pay them enough. It is often found that unskilled labourers make well in advance of £25 an hour, and so giving up a small portion of their time to aid the development of grassroots football "just for twenty quid to run around a field blowing a whistle" is not something they wish to waste their precious time on, as standing at the side, shouting obscenities, and setting a good example for our kids is far more financially appealing.
• Their talents would be wasted. Having eyes in the back of your head, lightning speed, and reliable precognition are better off used for curing diseases, ending hunger, and attempting to coach the national team from your armchair.
• Others may get jealous, as their meteoric rise the the Premier League after officiating in just one game at their local park would lead to riots.

What can we do though? In all seriousness, this has been an issue for many years. The FA has tried to fight it, but it is something ingrained in our culture. Petulance is something experienced in everyday lives, it doesn't just happen in football. The FA can only prevent it from affecting our game, and punish those who do it, they can't change the psyche of the society.

Walking away from the Saints game, after they played Midtjylland in the Europa League, I can hear many people complaining about the referee. I personally didn't see a lot wrong with his performance. He certainly won't be making any headlines. There are a few things worth noting here. Two guys next to me were going crazy after a free kick was awarded to the opposition on the halfway line. The referee was literally two yards away from it, whereas we were up behind the goal. Who do you think has the better view? Why are you idiots questioning someone who was clearly much better positioned than yourself?

Saints had a goal that was ruled out for a foul. Correctly. I even have a photo of the clear foul. Of course though, even in the face of evidence, we still hold onto our prejudiced beliefs. Saints were later awarded a penalty, correctly, which they scored. To many people, of course the referee was just levelling things up for the goal he cancelled earlier. As time went by, some of the Midtjylland players started to go down and stay down a bit too easily. One of them was actually hit in the face, I did see that clearly, but he is abused and jeered at by the fans. The mum in front of me was leading the abuse, right next to her two kids. Would she be doing the same if one of her kids was down? But while the Midtjylland players were time wasting and feigning injury, who received the abuse? That's right, the referee, even though he handed out two yellow cards for time wasting and awarded six minutes injury time. What more do they want? What do they genuinely expect the referee to do?

The guy in front and just to the left, who spent most of the game txtin sum bird, with great lines such as; "u mite not believ dis but I am not as confident when meetin sum1 for the first time", and "I fink u can tell if ur atracted 2 sum1 soon after meetin dem" piped up with "How much are they paying you, ref?" Good one mate. Well funny. Top banter. He was about thirty, and his phone was so old that he had to tap each number multiple times to get the letter he wanted. But of course, it's the ref who is an idiot. You idiot.

So why is everyone talking about the ref and not the game? Two reasons I believe; we all want something to blame, and people don't actually know that much about football. The two can even overlap; we don't realise how awful we are, and we don't want to admit the other team is better than us, so it's the ref's fault.

Where does it all come from? Football is now a billion dollar industry, and the tiny margin for error could mean huge financial implications. Sadly, it is true. Staying in the Premier League means so much financially that teams don't try as hard in the cups or in Europe. No one cares about the season we finished tenth, but we all remember the finals and semi finals, the amazing away days, the exciting cup runs, the giant killings etc. The clubs have different goals to us. The manager needs to keep his job, and a large part of that is down to profits made. That's also why many clubs don't take risks on youth players. If you play some of the kids, it may take them a year or two to adjust, and in that time, you risk falling down the league, and that is a huge decline in income.

Where teams now try to affect everything they can to gain those precious inches, many put pressure on the referees, either during pregame press conferences, or the game itself from constant berating. In an attempt to deflect blame after games, most managers will say the referee cost them the game. It's a good tactic in the sense that it relieves stress from the players and coaching staff, but it is completely immoral for talented millionaires to blame an impartial official that gets paid just a fraction of what they earn, and someone who isn't actually competing for a championship. Remember, the referees are just doing a job. Unless in Italy, they don't actually gain anything other than their match fee for refereeing the game.

Have you ever seen two people in dispute over an issue, who both witnessed it the same way, and yet have completely different recollections of what happened? Don't you hate being caught in the middle of that? It happens a lot in car crashes. Even the one who cut across three lanes while texting still believes they did nothing wrong. If this was between two friends and they asked you to mediate, chances are that whichever way you decide, you will be a friend down after the incident.

A point I make to a lot of people is that a player can have an absolutely dreadful game, then go on to score the winner, and becomes a hero. Think Torres scoring for Chelsea Bus Company in the Nou Camp. A referee can get 99% of decisions right, but will be lambasted for that one that was wrong. I think it was actually proven once by something like Opta Index that refs in the Premier League do get around 98% of decisions right. That's far more than any player can hope to achieve in a single game. Of course this story wasn't carried by mainstream media. We want to continue living the lie that referees are idiots. It gives us comfort that when walking away from the ground, our team would have won 4-0 if it wasn't the referee. Ignorance truly is bliss.

What about respect? Some people in football spout the wonderful line "referees have got to earn my respect". You are an idiot. An idiot. People like you hold back our game and our society by about four hundred years. How can one person be such an idiot? It really does blow my mind how you can be such an idiot. Do you really think that the referee cares about you and your respect? Do you really think your respect is worth that much to someone? Is it like gold or something? You absolute idiot. Stop being such an idiot. Get over yourself, you idiot. Trust doesn't have to be earned. Respect doesn't have to be earned. Just in the same way that innocence doesn't have to be proven. That's why we can now live in multi cultural societies, rather than building huge walls to keep out the outsiders, while we throw rocks and piss at them. Go away you arrogant, self centred idiot.

Let's all just be a bit nicer to each other from the start. Let's teach our kids to be nice too. People take things more personally when it affects them directly. I have mentioned this before, using the work of both Gladwell and Ariely. It's true though, and you can see it for yourself. We believe we belong in football, but the truth is, most of us are victims in incredibly powerful advertising campaigns. Branding is so important in modern football. So the fans feel it just as much as the players and the coaches when a decision goes against them. There is a difference though, as for those on the playing side, it is an obstacle in the way of their personal and professional gain. For fans, whose emotions, self efficacy, and self esteem are tied in with the success of their football club, it threatens their very own perceptions of themselves. My team must win or else others will think I am a loser with an inadequate sense of self worth and a lame job and an ugly wife and stupid kids. The enlarging bald spots, the increasing beer belly, the lack of satisfaction from other areas in life, the fact your middle aged wife doesn't look at you in the same way she did before you were married, all of that can be erased if you are seen to have picked a winner at football. And then that prick of a referee went and gave the other team a penalty that was clearly a dive! Idiot should have gone to specsavers! That feels better.

The referee is useless wanker, and I am a handsome virile alpha male, and all women want me. My wife should worship me.

These feelings are easily transposed onto our kids. If some idiot of a ref makes a decision against the team of my baby, he's a pure evil bastard that is standing in the way of my baby's happiness. And what's the rational thing to do when we don't get our way? Shout and scream obscenities until we feel better! Be nice to others only if they are nice to you, kids! If someone disagrees with you, then they are a useless twat, and you should tell them! If you don't get your own way, just complain until you do. As soon as anyone questions you, cite the moral high ground, and it is yours!

It's sad, it really is. Sport is a reflection of society. People who frequently break the law think that all police are out to get them. People who drive like morons blame everyone else. Our kids see this, and they turn out just like us. They learn from what they see. Now just because someone won't be nice to you, doesn't give you the green light to be unpleasant to them. Be the bigger man. Be the change that you want to see in the world. If we were all just that tiny bit nicer to people, the world would be a much nicer place.

And if you abuse the referee you are a dick, and if you blame the referee it's because you're just terrible at football.

Thank you for reading.