Coaching Abroad: A How To Guide

Coaching Abroad: A How To Guide

It is my opinion that too many people live in a place called “The Comfort Zone”. I packed my bags and left there for the first time when I was twenty. I left for good three years later just days before my twenty third birthday. The Comfort Zone is a wonderful place, and I go back when I can, but it can become boring and frustrating. Life is an adventure, it is there to be lived.

A lot of coaches just do this job
to meet birds.

There is some truth in the sentiment that football coaches who emigrate from the UK are somewhat economic refugees. The job market back home, for most of us, is limited to PPA Cover, after school clubs, volunteer work, and internships. In most cases, if you want to progress up the ladder, you need friends who are a few steps above. A lot of us will encounter a glass sealing, and then our progression is halted. With all this in mind, if you look at my Facebook profile, you will not for one second think I am an economic refugee. For all that I have seen and done, the memories and experiences could last a life time. From watching the Mets defeat the Yankees, riding a camel in the desert, to clenching a flag between my cheeks and standing on a mountain top, one can do a lot when they leave The Comfort Zone.

For everywhere I have been, I will write a summary, looking at the good, the bad, the life outside the job, and much else. I’ll also comment on coping strategies and preparation for the job. Throughout all the details, I will do my best to avoid names, as not everything is rosy. The first one is Walt Disney World in Florida. Although not football, it was one hell of a place to start.

Location:Walt Disney World, Florida, USA.
Duration: Two Months.
Reason For Leaving: The contract was only for the summer, but I went home a bit early because I needed to redo some assignments at university.
Driving: Right.
Language: English.
Religion: Everything.
Transport: Disney busses, which were fairly frequent, and only for employees.
Social Problems: Racial tension between Americans and other types of American.
Visa: J-1 Summer Work Visa, an visa that is only available to students. It takes just one appointment at the US embassy, but it is very scary as they are on the prowl for terrorists and people who will overstay their visa.

Still see my homeboys
from Lille.

Get Out: Other US states, Mexico, Caribbean.
Living Arrangements:Six of us in one apartment, two to a room. I had an English guy, two French, one Irish, and a half Turkish, half American. It was an on site apartment, a lot like a campus dorm. Outside ours, we had the pool, with a hot tub, and the bus stop nearby.
What To Do For Fun: As well as all of Downtown Orlando and the theme parks, tourist attractions (which are endless), there are beaches all around with just an hour or so to drive.
Dating: People come from all over the world, so take your pick, and most of them are ready to party. They’re only in town for a short while, and so aren't looking for commitment. What helps in Disney is that guys are outnumbered by about four to one. Also working in your favour is that a lot of these guys are either unfit, looking for men, socially awkward, or a mixture of the three.
Food: All your fast food chains, restaurant chains, and food of all varieties. It is open all ours of the day, and so easy to find. We had a Wendy’s pretty much on the doorstep.
Making Friends: Surprisingly easy as everyone is friendly and interesting. They wouldn't have made the cut if they weren’t. They also come from a variety of places, so you will have many places to visit. Disney has provided me friends for life, as we still have the magic bond.
Local Team: Back then, it was just Orlando Magic, but now they have Orlando City SC in the MLS. Further afield is Miami Heat, Jacksonville Jaguars, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tampa Bay Rowdies, Tampa Bay Rays, Florida Predators, Miami Dolphins, Fort Lauderdale Strikers, Nascar in Daytona, Miami Marlins, Jacksonville FC. Teams from all Major Leagues, as well as semi pro can be found in a short distance.
Job Perks: Free entry to the main four parks. Disney Discount on everything. Three other free tickets for whichever three people you decide. Working in the happiest place on earth.

Hello ladies.

Staff Training: There was much, and it was incredibly valuable. The first week was pretty much all about the company, the history, what is expected of us, how to do our job, customer service, and everything possible to make us feel comfortable and confident in our new role.
Support: The HR department at Disney is world renowned. They can keep employees for life. One of the best secrets I have learnt from my time there, which has been very useful in football, if you make someone feel valued, they will work harder. If someone truly wants to do something, they will do it with every fibre of their being. Disney can inspire that from within their employees. For a person like me, I am not motivated by money, but by happiness. They made me feel incredible. The Disney philosophy is Above and Beyond, meaning that you don’t just do your job, but you do the best job possible, and more. Make your employees feel special, and that will rub off on the guests. It is a place founded on happiness and dreams. That’s really why it is so successful.
Weather: Hot and humid, thunder storms and torrential rain are almost daily, but clear up pretty quickly.
What I Didn’t Like: Pretty much nothing. Five AM starts. Post CP depression. They said working for Disney would ruin your life as nothing would ever be that good again. They were right.

One of my greatest regrets is that this
team did not get the gold medal.

Location:Cardston, Alberta, Canada.
Duration:Four months.
Reason For Leaving:Contract ended, and there was no opportunity for extension. Canadians can’t play outdoors for too long.
Driving: Right.
Language: English, though they have French on everything.
Religion: Mormon.
Transport: Company car, a pretty bitchin’ Chevrolet.
Social Problems: It may be a little strong to compare it so, but I felt the divide between the Canadians and the natives was akin to Apartheid. There are definitely racist undercurrents, and at times it was quite shocking to see. It’s like they are two separate countries that occupy the same land. It is one of the safest places I have ever been to, and I never once felt threatened.
Visa: A year long work visa that is available for people under the age of thirty. Following the conclusion of my contract, it would have enabled me to continue working in Canada.
Get Out: All parts of Canada and the US.
Living Arrangements: Two of us in a basement apartment. The summer camps were spent with host families or in paid accommodation, such as hotels or dorms.
What To Do For Fun: Drive to Lethbridge or Calgary. Spend time with the families. Visit a national park. Go up the mountains. Spend time in the vast nothingness.
Dating: Love the accent. They all melt when they hear us speak. There’s a lot of girls from other countries and cultures that have moved to Canada, so there is variety. The Mormons are untouchable, and doing so can get you in trouble. On the whole, a lot of them will ignore a beer belly, bad manners, bad teeth, and body odour as most of them become hypnotised when they hear you speak. Essentially you’re the next best thing to Prince William.
Food: It gave me a chance to discover poutine. They also have a place called Tim Hortons, which is essentially Starbucks, but Canadians go crazy for it. While passing through Toronto Airport, I saw a Starbucks that was completely empty, next to a Tims that had a massive winding line outside.
Making Friends: Your average Canadian is a slow but helpful and friendly person. Any of them could talk to you for hours, and in Alberta, pretty much everyone has a Prince Harry story. I’ve made friends for life in this place, and I am so grateful for all of them and the many ways they helped me. Most of them, I can never help or return the favour in the same way they did for me, which is the mark of a truly wonderful person.

It's very important you can find people
you can be idiots with.

Local Team: Calgary Flames, Calgary Stampeders.
Job Perks: Good pay, lots of free dinners, the ability to travel around the country, spend time with genuine Canadians, and learn that not all of them are like Terrence and Phillip.
Staff Training: I had two training weekends before leaving for The Great White North. One was for the camps, and one was for the academy season. It was on the weekend for the academy season that I told a joke that could have gotten me in lots of trouble. I borrowed it from a friend of mine who used to use it to pick up girls when he was drunk. All of the Saturday we spent listening to presentation after presentation. It was so boring. The next morning, we wake up, and they explain that we are going to endure the same kind of day. In order to perk us up a little, they want to play a game. In groups of around ten, we had to converse with each other and discover who was the best lookalike, who had the best hands, the weirdest hair, funniest accent, funniest face, as well as many other things. The one I went for was the best joke. I ran a few by the group and they were happy with me as the nominee.We went through the categories and had a good laugh. Then it was the time for jokes. Before my turn, there was one group. Now it was me. The guy leading the presentation was the Regional Director for California. We had a table at the front full of all the important people, such as directors, heads, managers etc. Pretty much everyone who could rip up my contract on the spot. All weekend they had been saying in order to go far, you need to stand out, so that is what I intended to do. “What’s your joke?” and off I went... “What’s the difference between jam and jelly?” “I don’t know” he said. Then I paused, as I had second thoughts. A large room of one hundred and fifty people held their breath as they had no idea what was coming. I plucked up the courage, looked the RD in the eye, and said “I can’t jelly my c*** down your throat”. It took him two seconds to get it. In that time, there was silence, as everyone was shocked and waiting to see the reaction. Then, to my relief, he fell on the floor in a fit of laughter, and the rest of the room joined in. There was something similar during the camp training weekend, as we had to give presentations in small groups. It had me and the audience in stitches, culminating in pretty much everyone offering me a drink at the bar later that night. So memorable was that presentation, many months later when we visited Seattle, we ran into some other Brits who also turned out to be working for the same company. These guys were also there that day, and commented “Hey, you’re the guy with the speech. That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen”. Not to blow my own trumpet, but a lot of compliments came my way after that, and many people suggested I go into standup. Perhaps an idea for the future.
Weather: Freezing at times, boiling at others. With those bloody mosquitoes. One day at the beginning of July, driving from Edmonton three hours south back to Calgary, I encountered; torrential rain, scorching sun, thunder and lightning, hail, heavy wind, and then it all finished with a rainbow.

Definitely didn't get the short straw.

What I Didn't Like: The summer camps ticked me off. Although a fantastic product, it wasn't what I wanted to do. It is not coaching, but more like being a twat for a day, five days a week, then driving ten hours at the weekend. I loved my host families and I am still in touch with them, but at times it felt like we had no privacy. Sometimes, after a long hard day, you just want to go home and scratch yourself. Put some rubbish on TV, let the sun burn peel, and attack those mosquito bites. You feel odd doing that in someone else’s home, especially while they eat their dinner. The kids want to play and everyone wants to show you the coolest things in town, like the oldest water tower in all of Canada. Good thing there are Dairy Queens everywhere.

Location: Sembawang, Singapore.
Duration: Five days.
Reason For Leaving: I was swindled, as described in another post. Read it here!
Driving: Left.
Language: English, Mandarin, and a variety of other Asian languages.
Religion: Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Christian.
Transport: Incredibly good, but nothing provided by the company. The roads, taxi, and trains were all fantastic.
Social Problems: Apparently very few. It is a very peaceful country where everyone just goes about their business. The laws are plenty, and the consequences costly. Pretty much everything warrants a fine. That’s why they call it  a FINE city. It is ranked as the third best nation in the world, and it is easy to see why.
Visa: Not something I know about, as the boss had me come in on a tourist visa and had no intention of changing that.
Get Out: Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, and many more countries in the South Pacific.
Living Arrangements: A nice apartment, but I was on a sofa in the living room, as we were packed in like sardines.
What To Do For Fun: F1, Universal Studios, parks, zoos, entertainment complexes. Everything you could expect from a big, rich city. I think it has the most shopping malls per capita in the world.
Dating: A tall European stands out, and a lot of people there are superficial. Unfortunately, it is quite a superficial country. Being tall and white will turn heads. If you don’t look like you have money, expect them to turn back again pretty quickly.
Food: Indian, Chinese, and a whole range of Asian cuisine. There are also all the big Western restaurant chains. Whatever you want is easy to find.
Making Friends: Not something I experienced as I wasn't there long enough.
Local Team: Every team is close as it is a small island.
Job Perks: I wasn't the only person sleeping on a sofa.
Staff Training: Another thing that was supposed to happen.
Weather: Humid, hot, tropical.
What I Didn’t Like: Oh my. Just read it.

Location: New York/New Jersey, USA.
Duration: Five months.
Reason For Leaving: I was sacked. Apparently for being rude to a parent. Still awaiting evidence, but it’s easier to just get rid of you as there are many, many applicants. Sacked in the morning, flight home in the evening.
Driving: Right.
Language: Some kind of jumbled version of English. There are definitely roots that can be linked back to English, but it seems at times, almost primitive.
Religion: Everything.

Model employee.

Transport: Company car. Decent trains, but sometimes very slow as they have to make every stop. The trains, especially downtown, run all night, and cover a lot of ground. All lines in NJ lead to NY. There are not many links within NJ.
Social Problems: Racial tension between Americans. Everyone hates everyone. There are also a lot of homeless people, and crime can be high in places.
Visa: H2 work visa, which enables you to work longer term. There was a bomb scare which halted proceedings for three hours when I went to the embassy in London.
Get Out:US States, Canada, Mexico, Caribbean.
Living Arrangements: My first house had eight of us guys in one place, sometimes two to a room. The second had ten; six girls and four guys. I lived in a basement room that was a converted bedroom. I had to walk through my roommates room to get to mine, and we had a window connecting us, though it was covered by a curtain. The house was great, but there were too many of us, and the girls, two in particular, loved to bitch and cause problems. One day, they stole the TV because people kept leaving the back door open. They wanted to make a point, but we all assumed the boss or the landlord was having some work done. No one really cared, and we had to remind them that as adults, we solve our problems with words, and that this is a rich, secure, crimeless part of New Jersey, not North London.
What To Do For Fun: New York City. Broadway, sports, tourist sites, everything. It’s New York. One day I saw the Mets play, immediately followed by a concert by Foreigner. All for the price of $20. Wonderful. New Jersey also has a lot, but any chance I got, I was off to the city.
Dating: A lot are a bit dim, and lacking moral fibre. I've seen guys with no game and nothing going for them achieve a lot of success. If you work with kids, work in sport, or have an accent, it very much works in your favour.

He actually requested my presence.

Food: Everything you can expect in the United States.
Making Friends: As it was a fairly large company, there were many people around to make friends with. Most people have similar interests, and suddenly as Brits in America, we become ten times funnier. It is strange that quite a few Americans don’t even realise you are foreign. “Oh hey, I thought you had an accent”. I went to a nearby venue to play pickup soccer, which had many foreigners, including Paraguayans and Egyptians. Very cosmopolitan. Without realising, I wore a Paraguay shirt and told people one of my favourite players was Roque Santa Cruz. Suddenly, they were all my mates, then it made sense.
Local Team: Giants, Jets, Yankees, Mets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Devils, Islanders, Cosmos, but our most closest football team was the New York Red Bulls. A dream come true to get to so many of their games.
Job Perks: Being so close to New York City.
Staff Training: Intense to begin with. We landed at Newark airport at one in the morning. At eight, we were due in the office to begin presentations. Some of us, then had to go to work that evening and begin the job. Every Wednesday we would meet and do some practical coaching as a group. I found it quite beneficial. It gave us a chance to understand their philosophy and ideas a lot better.
Weather: Hot in the summer, like home most of the time, with the odd flood or hurricane.
What I Didn’t Like: We were chucked in at the deep end, and I felt that they guy in charge of my group did just not like me. He came across as an arrogant so and so. I spent most of my time coaching toddlers, and those under eight. Once a week I would work with teenagers. A lot of my time was spent coaching the basics of American sports. Of course, I know what they are, but not to a level where I feel I could teach them proficiently. This sort of stuff was not mentioned. We were supposed to be an academy, and yet I felt like a babysitter. This lead me to quickly lose motivation, which probably explains how it rapidly went down hill. I very much fell out of favour, and it looked like there was no way out. With all the shenanigans going on in the house, and meaningless work that we were doing, my only escape was to get out and play football, or to go watch a game.

Location: Salmiya, Kuwait City, Kuwait.
Duration: Three months.
Reason For Leaving: A little while into the probation period of three months, I decided this was not a place to stay. Kuwait is tolerable, but the people I was working with are not. Below, I list why. They offered me a contract extension for the year, which would have been four times what I could earn on my next job, but happiness is far more valuable than money. The two people in charge had been in that part of the world, with all the repressions and restrictions, and had become horrible and twisted people. That scared me. But then I went on to meet many ex-pats who had been there for years and who were lovely.
Driving: Right, but the Arabs are erratic. There appears to be no rules, and for such a rich country, it is unbelievable just how bad their roads are. Also, by far the worst parkers I have ever seen.
Language: Arabic, English.
Religion: Islam.
Transport: Company car, which seemed to be the most common car among the non-rich. No real public transport. If you have money, you have a car (or a chauffeur), if you don’t, you ride the old bus or get a taxi.
Social Problems: Racism, and a socio-economic divide. Most Kuwaitis are filthy rich. Work, life, food, house etc. None of these are problems for them. But they only make up about half of their own population. If you are filthy rich, would you work in Starbucks? Of course not. So who will pour your coffee? That’s where 500,000 Filipinos come in. Searching for a better life and the ability to send money to family back home, a lot of them migrate to Kuwait for a few years and make a relative fortune by doing what we would consider, menial tasks. That’s quite a chunk of the population when you consider that Kuwait is only three or four million. There’s also Indians, Indonesians, and some other South and East Asians. There is a clear racial hierarchy. It goes like this; 1: Rich Arabs, 2: Poor Arabs, 3: Americans (because they kicked Saddam’s butt and saved their little country), 4: English (because they love our football), 5: Other Europeans and Canadians. From this point on, the skin gets considerably darker. It is a racism that manifests itself in clear examples of abuse. They are, at times, horrible to the lower races. They are rude, they don’t acknowledge them, and they really do treat them like slaves.
Visa: Initial tourist visa for three months. To get a work visa, I believe it is the same as a temporary resident visa, where you are provided with a small card that you have to keep on yourself at all times.
Get Out:You’re only an hour or two from some wonderful places. It’s just a shame that most of these places are either being bombed or they are killing each other. Among the chaos, you still have Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Bahrain, Oman, Lebanon (sometimes), Jordan, Egypt. For the daredevils and badboys, get to Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Libya, or even a slightly longer flight to Pakistan. Why not?
Living Arrangements: Two of us in easily the best accommodation I have had to date. A secure apartment (though Kuwait is not an unsafe place) with a gym and a rooftop pool (even though it was always freezing). It was clean, fully furnished, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and two cleaners twice a week. Salmiya is a small peninsular, so we had sea on three sides of us, which made for some lovely views and walks. The staff downstairs were so wonderful and friendly; Darleen the Filipino lady, Saleem the Pakistani receptionist, and then the Egyptian guy who would park and clean cars, whose name I could never get. I also had a top notch roommate. Just a shame our colleagues were atrocious humans.
What To Do For Fun: Shopping malls, censored movies, frozen yoghurt, cheeseburgers... Friday futsal... ex-pat football. There’s honestly not a lot to do. So much is illegal or frowned upon, though what they don’t know doesn't hurt them. Kuwait is nothing like New York. You won’t find shows, sports, tourist attractions. Even the beaches are sub-par. On weekends, the rich teenagers would hire a limousine, ride around the city, go shopping, then all stay together in a hotel. Every week. That is the pinnacle of Kuwaiti fun.

Aziz. The nicest man you could ever have the pleasure to meet.

Dating: From what you can see of the Arab girls, they are quite nice. You don’t see so many overweight people when compared to back home or North America. Talking to them is the hard part. Arabs have weird dating rituals. A male cannot start a conversation with a female he doesn’t know without there being some dynamic to it, such as working in a shop. The woman has to engage the conversation in order for the man to begin talking to her. This leads to some strange sights as they desperately try to get their attention. I have seen guys throw their phone numbers at girls out of windows in the form of a ball of paper. The most common story are the guys who will follow girls around the mall making a clicking sound until one of them will turn round and say “What?”. That right there is your conversation starter. Obviously no sex before marriage, and no public displays of affection. Your chances are also severely limited as no family will accept you if you’re not Muslim. You may be able to encounter one of these Muslim sluts, who go completely against the word of Allah. There is also underground prostitution, but it is highly illegal and dangerous. Imagine if you got caught by the police, enjoying relations outside of marriage. There are also bans on many internet services. It carries a huge jail sentence. A lot of single ex-pats, including many Filipinos, resort to online dating. I tried it a few times, though it is not something I would like to do. Despite the limitations and restrictions, I was fairly successful in my three month spell. I went out with an English girl, an Armenian model (she had no pictures on her profile, so I thought she was talking talking, but I went to meet her and actually had problems speaking), and also a thirty eight year old German woman (I thought she was about ten years younger). Strange situations, but interesting nonetheless.
Food: No bacon. What kind of backwards land has no pork products? Pigs are supposedly horrible animals. I can’t quite see it, as pigs produce the most wonderful substance known to man; bacon. No self-pleasure and no bacon. That’s put off at least 90% of the men reading this from ever going to Kuwait. Most of your big chains from Europe and North America can be found. I was within walking distance of both a McDonald’s and a Burger King. Lebanese food as pretty good. Kuwait offers turkey bacon, but it’s not the same. No matter how good the attempt is, you know you are only lying to yourself. There were two life changing food institutions. I still salivate when I reminisce. Pinkberry, which offered world class frozen yoghurt, with a whole variety of out-of-this-world sprinkles. We made regular visits here, and still did even after we discovered that they did home delivery. Just imagine it. Frozen yoghurt right to your door in half an hour or less. Then we have Shakeshack, which did the most amazing burgers. It’s a fast food restaurant with Wi-Fi, but the friendliest staff, brilliant burgers, and superb shakes.
Making Friends: The Filipinos, due to their incredible customer service, treat you like royalty. But their hours are long and they are too into their basketball league. Our best bet was teachers, but their hours were the opposite to ours. We finish work at eight, they go to bed at eight. Our days off also didn’t coincide. The ex-pat scene is fairly large, but then again, due to our hours and days, we couldn't consistently chill and become homies. There are quite a few parties, but they are hard to get invited to. The girls in any such party will naturally flock to the tall white man. A guy coming to a party must bring a girl or two with him. Where there are no bars or clubs, you have very few places to socialise. What doesn't help that is the family situation, where they don’t hang out with non-family. Friendly and welcoming as Kuwaitis are, if you are not a relation, you won’t get an invite.

Lebanese Fez Guy.

Local Team: Salmiya, which was a two minute walk up the road. Saying that, all teams in Kuwait are local. You can drive to every stadium or team within twenty or thirty minutes.
Job Perks: The apartment. Big tax free wage. The car and the pure fact that petrol costs less than water in Kuwait, meaning you could fill your car up for £6.A long term contract will also give you access to a sports club. I snuck in one day and lost two tennis balls. The pools and private beach were something special, as well as the service from all the staff bringing food to the burning, half naked, pasty bodies.
Staff Training: None. We did watch a couple of FA Youth Award videos. Most of all, the helpful and always positive comments from our happy and joyful employers were enough to rival a lifetime spent with Jose Mourinho.
Weather: It rained five times. I spent the first six weeks not seeing a cloud. There was the occasional sandstorm, which can be a bitch, and a pretty sweet thunderstorm too. Dry and dusty pretty much sums it up.
What I Didn't Like: Kuwait itself isn't the most exciting place to be. There is very little in the way of fun, and very rarely does a huge event hit the Gulf State. All the big bands go to Dubai, and any sports team tours rarely hit Kuwait. The people are friendly, the lifestyle is good, the weather is fantastic, but it is difficult to make friends or forge any kind of relationships, and it is also quite boring. Our working week gave us Sundays off, but the Arab working week has Sunday as the start of the week. Working late makes it difficult for outside commitments. In regards to work, there are no leagues for teams that are not associated with the Kuwaiti professional teams. We were in the process of making our own league, but I don’t know how that went. For the boys (why would girls be playing football?) it is hard to remain motivated without regular and competitive fixtures. As a result, intensity within sessions is hard to come by, made even worse by what is a considerably lazy culture.

Location: Mexico City, Mexico.
Duration: Ten months and counting.
Reason For Leaving: Haven't left yet, but if I did, it would be to go to a safer, cleaner, less chaotic country. The job has also promised a lot, and delivered little. Standards are impeccably low, but this will be discussed when the time comes.
Driving: Wherever they want, but supposedly the right. The traffic is the worst I have ever seen, and driving standards are appalling. No one actually passes a test go get a license. All they do is apply for one. That is very obvious when you experience the roads here. You find pot holes as deep as bathtubs, and speed bumps as high as your knee. The roads are easily the most messed up thing in Mexico, and there is much competition for that title.
Language: Spanish.
Religion: Catholic.

Trying to edge in on the success of others.

Transport: No company car, though my venue is walking distance. Busses are plentiful, but prime targets for muggers. Taxis try to rip off anyone who gets in them, but even more so if you are white. There is a guy who is supposed to help some of the staff with their transport to and from work, but he is less reliable than a British weatherman.
Social Problems: Huge economic divide. You are either rich, or in poverty. Families also have huge amounts of control on their kids. In Mexico, you are not an independent adult until you are around thirty four. There are some clear examples of racism here. Myself and my colleagues included have often received abuse or ridicule for being white. Most people suddenly become a lot nicer to you when they realise you are not American.
Visa: Hahahahaha. You could spend the rest of your life here and not need a visa. The illegal immigration situation with Mexicans is not people coming in, but people sneaking out. Very few countries would see Mexico as a step up, and thus they have no incoming immigration problems. You are initially granted a six month tourist visa, but if you overstay, all you have to do is pay fifteen quid when you leave the airport. You can apply for a work visa while in Mexico, and while your application is in process, you can legally work. In order for it to be finalised and granted, you need to leave the country. We went to Costa Rica for three days on a non-expenses paid work trip. Two trips to the consulate, as well as a lot of ballache in finding out many other hoops we needed to jump through, and plenty of surprising hidden costs (we were essentially guinea pigs for our company who had never done this before).  We then returned to Mexico, and had to wait another four weeks or so as they processed it. Every time one of us went to the immigration office in Mexico, there was always another unprecedented problem. There are no rules or protocol. It is all about which person you talk to, and how they feel on the day. If they are about to go to lunch for an hour, you just have to sit and wait. There’s no such thing as a standard procedure. Eventually, you receive a card which is a temporary resident card, good for one year.
Get Out: A lot like in the Middle East, a lot of the nearby countries are at war, experiencing a civil war, or in the case of Guatemala, are executing genocide. That limits your options. Obviously if you fly north, you may have to put up with the stupidity and obesity of the Americans, but you get to visit the USA. You’re also not far from the Caribbean, and countries like Panama, Costa Rica, and Belize are quite nice. If you want to go a little further, head down to South America. Once you get past Panama, you are in Colombia, and have the whole continent to explore.

The Azteca is worth doing. But only once.

Living Arrangements: Four floors, four bathrooms, four bedrooms. In my time here, our house has fluctuated between three, down to two, then up to four residents. We have a cleaner once a week, a pool table and bar downstairs, and a very nice balcony on top. I have the smallest bedroom, but it is an en suite. We've recently bought better internet, a new TV, and all the sports channels in HD. The problems we encounter here are that the rascals at the electricity company like to do unannounced repairs. Mexican internet, a lot like Mexicans, likes to take naps sporadically throughout the day. We still use gas tanks, which we need to fill up once a month, and no one in this country has carpet.
What To Do For Fun: There’s always a party. Mexicans celebrate everything, and have a big song and dance doing it. The kids get the last Friday of every month off school. In the first week of May, we had Teacher’s Day (day off school), Day of Work (day off work), and Cinco de Mayo. Due to this consistent stopping, no one ever gets anything done. Fun for the first couple of times, but in football you need momentum. You can’t do that with one hundred days off a year. Football is played pretty much all year round, and we have three teams in the city to go and see. There’s a lot of stuff to do for tourism within the city, but also outside, you can find interesting Aztec and Mayan sites. But forget all that, why not just talk a stroll down a dark alley and walk one of the many stray dogs that Mexico has to offer? If dog walking isn't something that appeals to you, spectacular beach resorts such as Acapulco and Cancun can be found within this backwards J shaped country.
Dating: A lot of them are naturally intrigued by your lighter skin and fluffy hair, and much like in Kuwait, they will try to sneak a picture of you. There’s a good level of English among the younger generation. In regards to relationships, due to the family control, some difficult situations can be encountered. Like anywhere, you will find your doorknobs, but most girls are very Catholic, so much so that I have heard about parents coming on dates. The family unit is much more in each other’s business than we are back home, and they initiate much stricter controls. Naturally, like anywhere, families are suspicious of young foreigners on a temporary work visa. The relationship dynamic that I have been experiencing here is very difficult to any other I have had. As much as they will try to convince you they are not, women are still, in a lot of ways, second class citizens. It is built into them to do everything for the man. We've had arguments about doing the dishes. Not that I don’t do them, but that she won’t let me. I’m supposed to sit down and watch football while she slaves away in the kitchen. Fun once or twice, but generally, I'm not okay with it. As with everything, there is a balance, and the other side here is that the man must pay for everything. Even if the girl comes from a rich family, and you have very little disposable income, you must still pay. Some of them will become immensely annoyed if you do not open doors for them. I’m not talking about your basic rules of etiquette, I’m talking about running round to the other side of the car to open her door for her, because she can’t possibly be a strong, independent woman and do it herself. An English girl would find that kind of behaviour grossly offensive, and any man would rebuff such a demand. In contrast, the last time I was seeing an English girl back in Kuwait, we went on four dates. She paid for three of them. Conversely, if I were to be a lazy and sit on the sofa and not contribute in the house, she would have ripped me a new one. But these are their customs, we are in their country, and we have to play by their rules.
Food: Absolutely everywhere, and very cheap. They have Olive Garden, Chili’s, and many other chains. Then we also find the taco stands, street vendors, and people who drive around on bikes shouting through a megaphone at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning, trying to sell homemade tamales. If I could kill that bloke, I would. In your local taco shops, you will find hand sanitser, but also flies in the sauces and vegetables. These are never washed or prepared properly, though they will probably try to convince you that the fly gives it extra flavour. As long as you have clean hands, the germs you ingest orally cannot affect you.Brits and Mexicans have vastly different standards of what is considered spicey. Regularly I hear “Try it, it’s not spicey” and then proceed to breathe fire. Food poisoning and the Brad Pitts are very common, so always make sure you have enough toilet paper.
Making Friends: The majority of Mexicans, like most countries, are happy, easy going, and friendly. They love football, and so there is always a conversation to be had. Most of them love the European stuff, so we can converse about encounters closer to home. They're also a proud nation, and wish to share their culture with anyone they can. I think that particularly in the United States, they get a very bad rep. But then Americans are stupid and fat.

El Wilson.

Local Team: In Mexico City, we have three of the biggest and most widely supported in Club America, Cruz Azul, and Pumas UNAM.There is always a game or two at the weekends, it just depends on your schedule. It’s more fun to bleed through your ears for a week than it is to travel to Estadio Azteca, but it must be done at least once in your time here.
Job Perks: None.
Staff Training: Supposedly every two weeks we are supposed to meet and have a training day, but this has happened about five times. Coaching observations are also supposed to take place, but don’t.
Weather: Six months of boiling sunshine, six months of heavy rain and thunderstorms. It is never cold, though November, December, and January can get a little chilly at night. I think in part due to the lack of carpet or insulation within homes. A lot of Mexicans will tell you it is cold, but it is not. As a rule of thumb, if a Celsius temperature is above zero and has two digits, it is not cold. I am regularly baffled by the amount of people in scarves, coats, and hats during twenty degree weather without clouds in the sky. They must think I am crazy for wearing shorts and driving with the windows down.

Celebrity

Hey look! It's the guy with
the inflatable penis!

When coaching in these far away lands, you do somewhat become a novelty, and at times even a celebrity. We've all done TV and newspaper interviews, but adding to that, kids will ask you questions for their homework. If they have to interview someone special or interesting, they immediately think of you. One day in Mexico City, these two girls came up to me and asked me for an interview. One of them was studying English and needed to record a conversation with an English speaker for her project. They heard me speaking to my parents and politely asked me for a few words. To some people, especially in small towns where everyone knows each other and no one leaves, the fact you got on a plane, a metal tube with wings that propels itself through the air, instantly makes you the most interesting person you have ever met. Suddenly, everyone knows you. When you wear the uniform, there’s usually someone who recognises you. They have a cousin, friend etc. who goes to your club and knows who you are. Or they have heard about your operation through a friend and want to enroll one of their kids. Some places, particularly in the United States, we play on this.

One day in a Pizza Hut in New Jersey, our waitress asked if we were soccer players. We had her believing that we were fringe and reserve players at the Red Bulls. One trip to a Wal Mart in our uniform (which is navy, red, and white, the same as the USA national team) had a group of guys believing we were US national team players. They were pointing and whispering, and when I turned round, they asked me if we were in the national team, up there with players like Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey. “Yes, we are” I replied, in my best British accent. They were shocked. “I told you!” one of them said to his homie. The four of us coaches then continued about our shop, speaking in Southern, Midland, and Glasgow accents. Yes. Americans.

Have you scored a penalty at Saprissa?

At other times, particularly when passing through the Back End of Nowhere, some people live such primitive lives that they have no idea where you come from, and couldn't tell you had an accent, despite not understanding half of what you say. These people are slow, and it won’t be long before the UN declares those outside civilisation as some kind of sub-species that has been left behind by human evolution. For the people back home, your trips to such exotic lands can make you a celebrity. Essentially, you are living the life they wish they had. You are saying yes and taking risks, while they are stuck with the office, kids, mundane job, bad weather, same old boring petty problems, seeing your photos on Facebook and wishing it was them. The key to exit their Comfort Zone, is either in a draw somewhere, and they are too scared to open it, or they threw it away a long time ago. There’s still the occasional person who has let the Comfort Zone affect their judgement and warp their very perspective of life. “So when’s he going to come back and get a real job?” Like you’re on a gap year. Gup yah.

Contract

Companies in MEDCs will offer you a strict, watertight, legally bound contract, without mistakes or loopholes. Companies in LEDCs will write down a couple terms of your employment on a napkin, and never check to see if you even signed it. Your contract is your first hurdle. Pretty soon you will find out if it is actually worth anything. In Mexico, although we were offered a contract, though more of a token gesture to appear more professional, it means nothing. Essentially you need staff, and I don’t have enough money to leave. As long as no one is unpleasant to the other, the relationship is harmonious. My advice to everyone is to have this written down in stone, and if it is negotiable, never budge. Your big companies in the US will have a standard contract that they hand to everyone. It all says the same stuff, but covers every angle and more. You can be covered on their insurance for millions of dollars. You will have no option in America but to sign it. In other places, they really don’t care. If you see your contract and both parties sign it, then you will know full well what you are worth and what you should be offered. In some countries, there are no real court procedures and no enforcing of employment law. Thus, you are at a huge risk. As long as you have leverage over your employer, it should be fine, such as a country that struggles to recruit staff, it will be difficult to replace you, and thus you have job security. Leverage in the form of a gun to the other’s head does not have long term stability. Look after yourself.

Relationships

Being awesome is tiresome.

This is always a big issue, especially for a young handsome man like myself. Most of the world wants a piece of me, but I don't have enough for everyone. Some of the hardest decisions you make will be the Job or Girlfriend dilemma. Sometimes there are ways around it, but it is very difficult. They can’t always and sometimes don’t want to move with you. It is their life and their choice. Particularly with work visas in the US, they won’t be coming with you, and unless they work in the same industry, it is very unlikely they will be sponsored to come and work too. In most cases, they just can’t come with you. The stress that the distance puts on your relationship is enough to break people, if you make the choice to stay together, despite being the other side of the world. People react badly to these tensions, with jealousy, lack of trust, perceived lack of interest, feelings of second best, and much much more.

I've always maintained that at a young age, you must consider yourself first in every situation. Imagine if in twenty years time when I look back on my life and realise that I didn't go to work at Disney because my nineteen year old girlfriend (we broke up many years later) didn't want me to. Fortunately, I don’t have to feel that regret or despair, because I made the right decision. Sure, it wasn't easy at the time, but really, there was no option. If she’s the one, it will work out. If it doesn't, you’re one step closer to finding the one. Along the way I have met a few nice girls that I didn't want to get involved with because of the nature of my lifestyle. I don’t know how long I will be around, I'm leaving next week, it’s not fair on you etc. You may feel regret at the time, but it goes away when you realise what you have gained. Plus, like I said, if she was the one, it would have worked out no problems and you would have dealt with the sacrifices. If it’s meant to be, you won’t have to fight it. I'm not saying it will be easy, just that the choice will be obvious. Part of the attraction of this type of lifestyle for most guys is the different girls. I’m not the vain, out all night, party and meet girls type. I prefer something a bit more real than all that, and that is what I look for. One of the most difficult periods I have experienced as a direct result of the JoG Dilemma is when I accepted a summer job in California. The ultimatum came, and I remembered a quote from Obi Wan Kenobi; “Only a Sith deals in absolutes”. She made me choose, her or the job, and I immediately recognised that she was a Sith, and went for the job. Later on, I had to reject it as I messed up at University and had to stay behind for the summer, but the choice had been made, and our fundamental differences were clear.

If you do decide to go ahead with a relationship, you need  a lot of patience. An example of shattered dreams was when I worked in Canada, I met a girl and she went to study briefly in New York. I went to visit her for a week, and it then became our shared dream. Within a year or two, we would both be in New York permanently. She would be studying, and I would be working (and watching the Red Bulls every week). After my contract expired in Canada, I went to Singapore. We were fourteen hours apart, and eight thousand miles away at the shortest distance. After what happened, I shortly went back to England, and got a job in New Jersey. First step achieved. She had then been accepted to study in Buffalo. Second step achieved. About a month or two before she was due to come out, I got sacked and had to return to England. A week later, I broke up with her. I think she had become psychologically ill, which is a separate issue. But now, the dream was over. Do I sit around and whine? I've just lost my dream job and my girlfriend. That’s a big hit to take. No. What I have to do is move on, address the situation, and work on new girls and targets. I went to Poland for a week to teach English, then moved to Kuwait for a new job and a new life. That displays rapid change, adaptability, and just accepting that life is harsh sometimes. I don’t look back now. I have a new dream, and new things I want to achieve.

Lastly, on relationships, I must say that the accents can be very helpful. Both yours in attracting them, and theirs in attracting you. In all seriousness, the last tip I must give is not just essential for coaching abroad, but also for life in general. That is; don’t make them you’re everything. A person coming into your life should not become your life, but rather enhance your life. Build yourself a great life through a positive outlook, make the changes you wish to see, become the person you wish to become. Have a great life. Then you can say “My life is wonderful, now it is even better with you in it”. If you have the right foundations around you, even though the loss of a relationship hurts, it won’t cripple you, because it is not everything about you. Sheer and utter dependency on another person for your happiness or wellbeing is mentally unhealthy, and that’s why it feels like a whole chunk of your body is ripped out when they leave. I've been someone’s world, and I've let people become mine. It is sound psychological advice, but I can also speak from experience. Currently, I am in a healthy, happy, stable relationship. I am living my dream, working in football, coaching teams, achieving things. It is fantastic. To add to that I have family and friends that I try to devote time to. Then there is my music, my guitar, going to concerts, reading, movies, learning Spanish, exercising, watching my sports teams, and many more things. They all make me happy. She makes me even happier. If she leaves, I’ll still be happy because of the great life I have, and because I do not depend on her. This approach also allows me to enjoy her a lot more, because I am not so emotionally invested. I'm not talking about feelings, what I’m referring to is my confidence does not come from her, my self-efficacy does not come from her, and my general feeling of well-being does not come from her. So what happens if she leaves? I’m still confident, I’m still happy, and I have a lot of things to look forward to. But do try your best to find someone. Life is much better if it is shared.

What you leave behind

It doesn't sound like much, but everyone who has ever left their country says first of all that they miss the food. Fine Turkish cuisine cannot easily be found outside of Europe. You won’t find a gentleman named Ali selling exquisite kebabs in your local restaurant.  A lot of countries are not that fussed about baked beans either. Can you imagine a world without beans on toast? Don’t try to. It is too upsetting. Dairy Milk, Galaxy, Milkybar, Milka, and so much more. They are difficult to find abroad, though I did find Dairy Milk in Costa Rica. The stuff we import to America is often lacking something. It looks the same and tastes 95% the same, but it’s not.

Not every country has one of these.

Next comes the language and the way of speaking. You will pick up odd habits, like the Canadian “eh?” or even their “So” which they are not aware that they use. You will start referring to the game as “soccer”, and their terminology will enter your vocabulary. In Mexico we talk about partidos, porteros, amistosos, campos, and a wonderful move dubbed the “Chilena” which is their phrase for overhead kick. One day in Kuwait I was trying to explain to the kids about not controlling the ball, but if the quality of the pass is such, hitting the ball first time. I just kept saying “One-timer” which is an American phrase. I had to ask my colleague how we English said it. There are strange ones, like defenders up there are called Ds. “Hey Brandon, play D”. Then you've got the “Upper ninety”, which the English would refer to as the “Postage stamp”, meaning top corner of the goal.

You will miss people you didn’t know you even liked or cared about. In this circle for me comes my cats. In England, I don’t like them. I think they are wastes of space, and that they need to get a job and contribute. Abroad, I sometimes miss the gentle purring and head rubbing, when they want a bit of attention. As for family and friends, you will miss important events. Marriages, big birthdays, graduations, the one you thought was gay finally getting a girlfriend, and by the time you come back they are a very solid couple, so it is difficult to rip on him. People get older, they go through hardships, they experience life’s special and difficult moments, and you are not there. You cannot support and you cannot congratulate. You wonder if they even think about you anymore.

There are little things that you didn’t think you would realise. Due to the time difference, it is sometimes hard to follow your team from back home. You may have work, or it may just be the middle of the night. There’s no Jeff Stelling on Saturday afternoons. If your team is bad, like mine, you are reduced to internet radio commentary when you are free, and YouTube highlights. I can’t name a starting Rovers eleven anymore. Apart from Paul Robinson or Jordan Rhodes, I wouldn’t recognise any of them. I don’t know what formation they play or how the system works. It’s quite sad considering I have followed them my entire life.

Then you realise you miss the humour. Ours is clearly the best in the world. Most countries I have experienced just aren't funny. Mexicans still laugh at Benny Hill. You won’t go finding Buzzcocks or Mock The Week on TV. Other countries are not as sarcastic as we are, or as self-deprecating or ironic in their humour. We have dumbasses at home, of course we do, but when you see or experience something hilarious and find you’re the only person laughing, you take a look around and realise you are the only Brit there. “I’m sorry. Where I come from, that’s very funny”.

The familiarity and the routine that The Comfort Zone brings is often missed. Like growing up, moving away, getting older, there is less chance of coming home after work and your mum or dad telling you to get ready as dinner will be made for you in five minutes. Often you come home to an empty house, and find yourself reheating something at ten at night. Food quality intake also suffers as a result. As a byproduct of the daily routine, I will often have my first meal around seven or eight in the morning, then my last at ten or eleven before going to bed. Certain home comforts become more appreciated, such as your own room, a TV in your room, internet all over the house, a decent satellite package, your games console, whatever it may be. The ability to always know where you are going in your little area, and knowing the place like the back of your hand. Your favourite restaurant, bar, or whatever it may be. It’s not the same away from home.

What you gain

New perspectives on life, a much greater appreciation of everything you have ever had. Thanks to all these adventures, I have friends all over the world. You’ll also pick up things that will eventually become part of who you are. Some of the sport, food, and customs from these different places, have now entered my regular doings. You see places you never thought imaginable, and meet people you didn't know exist. Some of what is below expands on this all a little bit.

New experiences

By travelling, one gets to experience so much more than they ever could at home. It’s not just the things you do. Anyone can get on a plane and go to New York and watch a game of baseball. It’s also the opportunity to experience things the way that people in these places  do. You’re not just a tourist, you actually live there. Due to my travelling I have seen all the major leagues in the United States, apart from the NFL, which is on the list. So much of this planet needs to be seen, smelt, heard, tasted, and touched. A lot of the places you can go to may not necessarily be high on the list of places to go. For example, if you work a lot and have little disposable income, your first choices for holidays may be a beach in Spain, a city break in Europe, New York, Disney World, maybe even Dubai. With precious time and money, places like the Rocky Mountains are not going to be an immediate destination. Now, if you actually live in one of these far away places, you will get to see and do so much more. My life wouldn't be the same if I never saw Waterton, a National Park in Canada. My life would be completely different if I hadn't seen it. I don’t think there are many people on the planet who would get on a plane for the sole purpose of seeing Waterton.

Flag waving is why we go to games.

It enables you to get swept up in the hype that you only see on TV. After Mexico beat Croatia in the World Cup, we walked through the city streets with the fans all singing “Vamos por Holanda”. Unforgettable. Then there have been the times I have been allowed to get caught up in the NBA finals or the Stanley Cup because I am in that country, surrounded by people who are obsessed and excited by it. Back home, it’s just a game that is on TV late at night.

Some of the host families and the friends you make will take you in and treat you just like one of the family. This is especially welcomed when you are missing your own. If you have never had kids or siblings of a certain type, you will have them for a little while

Learn about yourself

It is possible to meet exotic animals.
Such as this whale.

Putting yourself into situations where you are vulnerable, you learn who you truly are on the inside. Some parts of it you will like, and others you won’t. Within The Comfort Zone, most situations are fake, or come with zero or diminished consequences. All those years playing Football Manager may create some values you believe you have, but until they are tested in true pressure environments, when your job actually depends on your actions and decisions (remember, in real life, you can’t quit and reload from your last save point), you may end up doing things differently to how you would have imagined. Andre Villas Boas attests one of the most true quotes he has ever heard to a lecturer he had at Lisbon University; “The person you are triumphs the coach you want to become”.

I see too many people fall into the trap of an easy lifestyle. Those who spend too much time in the care of host families believe that they have learned how to look after themselves, yet if you have your own wing in a house, and someone washes and cleans for you, this is a false representation of what life actually is. I have learnt that I like hard work and value professionalism. I love being silly and doing stupid things, but these are becoming less and less frequent as my hair turns greyer. I also never let this interfere with work. A favourite quote of mine is “The Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work” and it is so true. Coach Wooden (one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time) remarks that a good person is one who does the right things, even when no one will see. I’m paraphrasing, but the point still remains. Too many coaches abroad will do a half baked job if they know they won’t get caught. If there are no consequences, then they will do whatever they want. I am not like that, and do my best to maintain high standards. I believe that was the best thing Disney did for me, though it had a lot of other positive impacts. I often hear phrases like “Why would you want to do that when you won’t get any extra money for it?” My objective is to improve my players and teams, not to earn money. Without putting my physical and mental health in danger, I will do everything I can to achieve those goals.

As a person, I have learnt that my personality often doesn't do me any favours. I am calm, reasonable, quiet, humble, and as a result, I'm often underestimated or not listened to. With time, by doing the right things, my abilities as a coach always shine through, but sometimes I may not be given the time, and can make it much harder for myself by not being the life and soul of the party. Perhaps if I was more assertive, I would have had more success and recognition among my peers and those I am a subordinate to. My message is this:

Do not confuse my kindness for weakness.
Do not confuse my calmness for lack of passion.
Do not confuse my humility for lack of ability.

By being thrust into situations that present a sink or swim outcome, you learn a lot about your abilities very quickly. I know full well where I need to improve as a coach. I've made a point in the last year to improve my technical and tactical knowledge. I immensely improved my communication skills, though now here in Mexico, they are not good enough, and I have to improve them again. My session control and discipline has come into question in Mexico because sometimes I struggle to deal with these kids. They have been a challenge, big time, and I have done what I can to improve. One very helpful book is Getting The Buggers To Behave. I've put some of those principles and ideas in place, and it has helped me. At times, I talk too much, something a lot of inexperienced coaches do, as they try to impart all of their knowledge in just one go. Say what you need to say, and nothing more. Then shut up and get out of there. I’m not the best at commanding respect instantly. Such an approach would require me to be more forceful when in new situations, and I need to be better at that.

Your sense of values become stronger. Not just what you want as a coach, but also as a person. If I have an early game, I go to bed at a reasonable time. Something I have changed is that I always get to bed roundabout the same time every night as it is far easier to maintain such a routine. Other coaches will stay out late and coach their next game with a hangover. Not only do I not drink, but if my players were taking such an attitude towards the team, I’d rip their heads off. The top managers will say that you can’t expect such behaviour from them if you do not adhere to it or demonstrate it yourself. And also relationships. I don’t mess around. If I find someone I like, I try to keep them. I don’t treat girls like disposable cameras. Too many coaches abroad love the lifestyle, not the job, and just breed with anything that moves. To me, that is superficial and hollow, but it is also their life choice. My life choice is to not drink alcohol (though to me, it has never been a choice, I have never said no, I just don’t do it and never will) but many people will try and convince me otherwise. Statements of making sure I get drunk by a certain date have been made all over the world. You go out and abuse women with your terrible lines and unwelcomed heavy petting, and I will do whatever I choose to do. As the saying goes; “I’m Will Wilson, I’m twenty five, I do what I want”.

Enjoying the sunset with
the old man.

By not having them in my life as much, I have learnt how important family and friends are. As Joni Mitchell mumbled terribly into a microphone “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone”, but they are not gone. It’s just I have left the nest, cut the cord, and can stand on my own two feet. It means that when I do see them, I appreciate them a lot more than I used to.

Interests will come into question. As you meet new people, they will want to know who you are, what you do, think, and like. There’s a difference between adapting to a new culture and trying new things to completely forgetting who you are and doing what you can to impress and fit in. I look at life in two ways; either you can conform or you can have fun. If other people like the same things, great. Bond with them. If they don’t, you cannot change who you are just to appease others. Tell them to get lost. People like that are sheep, and exist all over the world, and are sheep in their own countries. I am a wolf, and will be a wolf wherever I go. I'm a friendly wolf, but I do what I want. I don’t like dancing, and I won’t dance just to meet girls. I've had plenty of success in that area, and thus feel no need to change who I am. My opinions on music are quite strong, and remain well refined as I continue circling the sun. There are many people in the world who don’t know music at all, and are fed the corporate garbage that the radio bombards us with. Lines from two different songs illustrate the point. Firstly, Sell Out by Reel Big Fish:

Well, I know you can't work in fast food all your life
But don't sign that paper tonight, she said, but it's too late
And I don't remember what I read, I don't remember what they said
I guess it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter anymore

“Cause you're gonna go to the record store
You're gonna give 'em all your money
Radio plays what they want you to hear
They tell me it's cool but I just don't believe it

Sell out, with me, oh yeah
Sell out, with me tonight
The record company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be alright

No more flippin' burgers puttin' on my silly hat
You know I don't want that no more
And I didn't ask when we'd get paid, I quit my day job anyway
I guess it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter anymore

You're gonna go to the record store
You're gonna give 'em all your money
Radio plays what they want you to hear
They tell me it's cool, but I just don't believe it

Sell out, with me, oh yeah
Sell out with me tonight
The record company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be

And I don't think it'll be so bad
And I know it won't be so bad
'Cause the man said "That's the way it is"
And the man said "It don't get better than this" no no no

So I signed on to the record company
They say they're gonna give me lot's of money
If I play what they want you to hear
They tell me it's cool, and I sure believe it

Sell out, with me, oh yeah
Sell out, with me tonight
The record company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be alright

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
The record company's gonna make everything alright
The record company sign that paper tonight
She said that I can work in fast food all my life”

And then, The Spirit of Radio by Rush:

“Invisible airwaves crackle with life

Alberta flowing into Montana.

Bright antennae bristle with the energy
Emotional feedback on timeless wavelength
Bearing a gift beyond price, almost free

All this machinery making modern music can still be open hearted
Not so coldly chartered, it’s really just a question of your honesty, year honesty
One likes to believe in the freedom of music
But glittering prizes and endless compromises
Shatter the illusion of integrity”

Although about music and not about football, I feel that it makes a valid point about life in general. Too many of us all over the world are insecure and have a fear of being inadequate. This moves us to act in irrational ways, such as paying heavy prices for the same product, just because of the brand name. The fashion and makeup industries are built purely on this ever increasing human flaw. When it comes to modern music, whoever is in the charts now, won’t be around in a few years time. Their shelf life is so small these days, as we are always in search of the next product. This instant gratification and desire to be seen as with it has dire consequences on our growth and abilities. If music is not real, if it is overly produced, written by others, lip-synched, and all the rest of that fake rubbish, I have no time for it. Even modern bands that play instruments are terrible. Their sound is so corrected and modified that they sound perfect, and this removes any character or feeling from their songs. People lap this stuff up, as they are as shallow as the music they absorb. Any kind of love song or romantic song falls into one of two types; I've seen you in a club and I want to have sex, or the second type, which blandly mentions some girl that could be absolutely anyone, including fat teenage whales that flick their bean to Adam Levine, in a way to make it so the song could actually be about the listener, leading any twelve year old to think they have a genuine chance with that skinny prepubescent skeleton from that group of boys that lip-synch on stage. There’s nothing real about it. Now I know the songs I listen to are hardly deep, but at least they are real. Hell, drugs, women, or even just pure nonsense like driving fast or going to a gay bar, they’re not trying to pull the wool over my eyes and actually play music for the joy of making music. Simon Cowell, and other clowns of that nature have ruined music. They will argue that they are just giving the people what they want, but in reality they are awarding talentless morons with vast fortunes in return for singing simple and repetitive songs, that make the listener feel either loved or talented because they are able to sing along or relate to the incredibly vague lyrics that could mean anything. Congratulations, because he has discovered a winning formula, but we will never again see a Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd. A lot of people try to compare One Direction to The Beatles, but there are three things that separate them; instruments, talent, pubes. Will Harry Styles still be performing sell out world tours well into his sixties? No. As soon as his Adam’s Apple begins to develop, some other prepubescent karaoke star will take his place.

Not everyone has an opinion on music, let alone those as strong as mine. That’s often why it is hard to get into a discussion about it.  For every person this pushes out of my life, I am so very thankful, and I thank the Prince of Darkness himself; Ozzy Osbourne.

Survival Guide

Shirt on for serious volleyball.

Until you hit the pro leagues of Europe, you will not make a fortune from coaching. A very  small percentage of coaching jobs actually offer a comfortable living. Most of them are enough to live on. So one of my biggest tips comes to managing your money. I see too many people who struggle and wrack up pointless debts, just by not being able to handle their income. It is simple; if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. The first thing I do with my pay is to buy enough food to get me through until the next pay cheque. That way, even if I have no money to go out with my friends, at least I can eat. I've seen people eating cereal for two weeks, or asking to nick slices of bread and cereal bars in order to survive. It’s not that difficult. We all like to enjoy ourselves, and most people will attempt to save, but here’s a simple tip; if 20-40% of your wage is going on alcohol, or specifically one bottle, you're an idiot. Sometimes there’s just no cure for stupid. Some people claim to need it to have fun. If that really is true, explain to me what’s fun about debt? Why spend so much money on something that makes you forget the fun you intend to have? Something that makes you feel dreadful the next morning? And something you urninate out again almost instantly? If you really can’t remember what happened, just check the selfies on Facebook. Basically you tried engaging in “banter” with people who think you are an idiot, got shot down by many girls who were not impressed by your courting techniques or sudden alcohol induced speech impediment, then you fell asleep in the back of a taxi, who overcharged you, achieved a new record of fifteen trips to the bathroom in one hour, and now here you are with a headache, declaring that you will never drink again. Why lie? If you intend to travel the world and experience all the wonderful things it has to offer, there is so much more to this life than just getting drunk.

Of course, one cannot drink in Allah’s countries. Here you’ve got to rely on people and experiences in order to get your kicks. My advice is to actually go and see and do these things. While in New Jersey, every chance I got, I was off to a concert, a show, or a sports event. How could I not? New York was only half an hour away. My beloved Red Bulls were at home once every two weeks, and the Mets play frequently, and there’s just too much to see and do that you cannot fit it all in. Too many people who I worked with just went to the same few local bars, with the same colleagues. Every time I invited people, it was always some lame excuse along the lines of they were going to the pub or the club with the group, but would love to do it next time. Every week was spent in the same bars with the same people, while I was out seeing home runs, and getting webbed on by Spiderman. These people will not have been to the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Times Square, Broadway, the Brooklyn Bridge etc. So sad when that opportunity is only temporary.

It's important to suck at new things occasionally

The same group of people can often get on your tits after a while. Much like your family and friends, if you spend enough time with them, even the way they breathe can annoy you. Some of my roommates and colleagues over the years have left me needing therapy. This is why it is important to get a life outside of work. Do your best to make friends and have your own interests. Again in New Jersey, I found a local venue that played pickup soccer. It was every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, for seven dollars for two hours. I invited the other guys many times, but despite being football fanatics, they had no real interest in playing. I'll take any football I can get, even more so if I am desperate. They were too busy going out with the guys, yet would complain about a lack of football. Then when some of them did come, I wished I'd never invited them. Pickup soccer is purely for fun. You get a few idiots who take it too seriously and like to get aggressive, but they are ridiculed and laughed at. My colleagues came along and started fighting, arguing, kicking, and commanding others. I stopped playing on their teams pretty quickly as I didn't go for that. I also didn't want my new group of friends to associate me with those morons. In the end, they stopped coming, and it was me alone again, just playing for fun, without the stupidity, fighting, and pointless arguments that they would bring with them.

Get to know your local area. Venturing out a lot by myself as there is so much to explore, it often leads to getting lost. This is perhaps the best way to learn about your surroundings as you don’t want to spend an hour driving the wrong direction again. You also find favourite places, and have a better chance of finding what you want to find. For example, not every supermarket sells baked beans. You won’t know which ones do until you go out there and look for them. Knowing your local area gives the added benefit of learning shortcuts. There are many places in the world that suffer from a disease known as traffic. Try and discover ways around it.

Learn the language. Not everyone speaks English, although it seems like it at times. You can’t always rely on the help and kindness of others, and doing so makes you a chode. Not wanting to learn something new is the opposite to what coaching is about, and shows a desire to remain in The Comfort Zone. Make mistakes, look silly, say something stupid. That’s how we learn and improve. At a quarter of a century, I still have much to learn. Even when I am three times older I will still have much to learn. Learning the language allows you to communicate far more effectively with your players and colleagues, and has you integrating into the society better. The locals appreciate attempts at their language, even if they laugh at you. It’s very dangerous if your players are saying stuff right in front of you, and you have no idea what they are saying. Not everyone we coach is as respectful as we would like, and therefore they may say some unwanted things while in your presence, but you don’t know what they are. A sarcastic or critical comment right in front of you, that they know they can get away with greatly undermines your authority, and will lead others to attempt other such displays of disrespect. Knowing what they are saying allows you to pick up on it and stamp it out before it becomes a problem.

Self Improvement

Girls don't like it when you threaten them with Jihads.

Being where you are does not mean you have made it. Many coaches settle with the level they are on as they believe their own hype. “Oh my God he’s from England and he’s amazing at soccer”. That’s right. I am. Admire my greatness. Even though I get better every year, I am nowhere near good enough, and I never will be. A coach must have this constant need to strive for perfection and improvement. You may be better than your average American dad, but is that enough? You may be better than the new recruits, but you won’t always be.

Part of coaching in other cultures gives you exposure to different ideologies. Knowing what sucks is as important as knowing what works. The good and the bad can be reinforced. I know that footballers should not be running laps. Seeing players in these countries run laps reminds me that what I am doing is the right thing to do. Not shouting at my players and making them cry is another example. That is equally important as watching the way better coaches prepare, and for someone like me that doesn't naturally or easily connect with kids, I can learn techniques from those who do.

I spend a lot of my free time reading and watching coaching videos. I try to learn from professional players, managers, referees, and also look at psychology, child development, business and football management, communication, and all other aspects. Football is such a multi-layered sport that has so much too it. I need to understand as much as I can and learn everything my brain can possibly absorb. If I don’t apply such dedication, how can I expect it from my players? Lead by example.

Keep in contact with your coaches association back home. I would suggest even joining a new one. I am now also a member of the NSCAA as well as the FA. There is so much support and guidance from both. Recently I embarked on the NSCAA National Diploma. Learning the ideas of a different association was most beneficial, and allowed me to hone and sharpen my skills. Coaching without supervision or guidance can lead to bad habits forming, and it is good to take time to use self reflection and see what areas of your coaching needs to be worked on or realigned. Although I didn't learn much new stuff, it was incredibly beneficial, not just in my networking, but to keep on top of my development and reinforce the good in what I do.

Coaching Philosophy

Good, but not authentic.

Every country has a different way of doing things. This can sometimes be called a philosophy. In the case of Mexico and Kuwait, there is no philosophy, hence why we have been brought in. The philosophy is very much determined by the culture of the country, but also by where that country is in terms of their football development. One can expect similar yet different ideas between the US and Canada. Although large, sport loving nations, both have football way down on their list of priorities. The US is now an emerging contender in world football, whereas Canada is still very far behind. They have similarities in their circumstances, but the US is now looking to push on and break the top eight in the world rankings, whereas the Canadians would just like to qualify for a World Cup occasionally.

Like I mentioned before, the good is just as important as the bad. Remember to be an organised coach with good communication skills. Seeing a coach who is terrible at this will be just as beneficial as seeing a coach who excels in these areas. You can see the impact it has, both with and without. Every coach has different ways of doing things, and this can largely depend on the goals and focus as well as the ability of the team which you are responsible for. Despite these differences, so much remains true. Your ability to communicate, motivate, instruct, teach, guide, organise, inspire, discipline are all key abilities that you must possess, and they all have certain truths. Where a lot of it is due to interpretation as there is no exact science, in some cases there is a right and a wrong way to do it. You will also learn a lot about expectations. Again, some of it is due to the culture and the group at your disposal, but one mistake I made is being afraid to discipline effectively in new countries as I was unsure if it would be well received. Obviously we all have different standards, and my English mindset may not apply to Arabs, Mexicans, Americans etc. but parents are the ones with vested interests, and most want to see their children improve and have fun in a structured and disciplined environment. Some of them will cause issues for the sake of having nothing better to do with their spare time. The vast majority will be supportive and helpful, to different degrees. Phrases like “I am with you” and “I support your decision” are big confidence boosters.

But what would our families say?

While in Canada, we would work with large groups, and would have parent coaches help us. A group of thirty kids in a technical session would have myself leading, demonstrating the techniques and showing the rules, and the parents would help me ensure the kids were doing it correctly. In one session, each kid had a ball, and one boy decided to kick away the ball of another boy. I picked up this kid's ball and booted it far away, and asked him how he liked it happening to him. It wasn't going to happen again. Immediately after, I did wonder if the parents thought it would be too harsh. A couple weeks down the line, it is the European Championships, and we went to a restaurant in Waterton, myself and my colleague, to watch England. The restaurant manager is one of the dads, which we didn’t realise. Turns out he was one of the parents helping that night I kicked that kid's ball away. He brought it up in conversation, and I thought he was going to tell me it was a very mean thing to do. Instead, he commended my approach, and we got a free meal out of it. Remember, you are the coach, and you are in control. The consequences of the decisions made fall to you, so it better be you that makes the decisions.

As I have mentioned, each group has its own set of needs. You’ll learn how to adapt to these, and that coaching is not a “one size fits all” approach. Like they say on all the courses, a good coach needs many hats. You wear your clown hat with the five year olds, and so on and so forth. The hat represents the appropriate approach for the relevant group. With time, you gain more hats, and the hats become even better. Although you may switch from a player centred approach to command style to guided discovery based on your groups, as mentioned before, organisation, discipline, preparation etc. remain true.

Early Wins

Upon my first arrival in New York, I was
introduced to an old friend, Betty Swollocks.

The concept of early wins is not necessarily to ensure you win your first games. As great as that is, it’s more akin to hitting the ground running, tackling the tough battles head on, and setting the standard from the beginning. It is much easier to start strict and then become friendly than it is to start friendly and become strict. The second approach can lead to ill-discipline, and when you try to reel them back in, they are unreceptive. Do the hard work first to make the rest of it easy for yourself.

Tell the players what you expect, share your ideals with the parents, tolerate no excuses. The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is now. If you want to illicit a change, or have a group understand your ideas, start hard and start fast. Discipline is the most important factor to get right from the start. Each coach should have their way of dealing with it, whether it is timeouts, silence, discussions with parents etc. but the system needs to be in place from the beginning. The standards you expect, such as socks pulled up, being on time etc. must also be in place from the start. If you go soft, they will look to see what they can get away with.

Build respect, and build working relationships with those who are most important. If there is a parent representative, get them on your side. If there is a big mouth who sways a lot of influence, make them work for you. If you have disruptive players, make them your most loyal chiefs. Get your captain fully behind what you are trying to do. This gives you a lot more time and patience from the team.

Learn the new football culture as quickly as you can. As soon as you realise that all they do is boot the ball forward, you should already be letting your team know that it is absolutely unacceptable to do that. Cheating, diving, disrespectful behaviour etc. should be stamped out immediately. In my first 11v11 with the girls in Mexico, our opponents played a little bit unethically. One player tried to gain an advantage by attempting to punch the ball beyond our keeper. Fortunately the referee saw it, but at half time I let my players know in no uncertain terms that they do not ever cheat. If I see them doing that, I will take them off immediately, even if it means we only play with ten. They don’t do any of that stuff. A few games later, one player accidentally handled the ball, and she was so upset she apologised profusely. I thought it was funny, as I know she didn't mean it, and I would never think of her as a cheat, but it shows it stuck.

The most important sound to any human on this planet is the sound of their own name. Learn what it is quickly, and use it as often as you can. There’s no point shouting “Hey you” when you want to give a player specific instruction. It also shows the players that you care and that you value them. It’s one of Walt Disney’s best tricks, in that everyone is on first name terms, always. The use of name tags allow people to talk on a more familiar level. Perhaps, if you are terrible with names, you could use nametags. What some coaches do on the summer camps, when every kid is given their own ball, is to have them write their name on it. That way, you can just look at the ball if you can’t remember it. They say the trick to remembering a name is to say it three times in the first instance that you meet them. Good luck, as it is a very important skill.

Living Arrangements

Bobby Moore Fund Training Day.

This is just luck of the draw. When jumping blindly into the situation, you could get any house and any roommate. I'm too old for host families. Anyone with a need for independence and privacy should avoid this. It’s also likely that you will find some places that make you share a room. The most I have heard of was three in a room. One night, due to the flood, we had five of us in there. I need my own room, I need my own space, and I need to have my things in my places. You've got to be able to put your stuff on the walls. We don't want to be just living out of a suitcase. You've got a job to do, and you need to feel at home. 

Being in many different situations gives you an idea of what you want, don't want, and what you value. Everyone has different standards, and some of these are not compatible. I like to be clean and organised. Occasionally I will slack on these things. I try my best to be considerate of other people, and make compromises when necessary to avoid pointless conflicts. Things I will never do are leave beer bottles all over the place, play my music loud, come home drunk at three in the morning, banging on doors and shouting at people, sing bad karaoke, deliberately eat the food of other people, steal a television to prove a point, hide or steal other peoples’ stuff, begin slanging matches with my housemates, bring large amounts of people over without notice, not clean up after a party, and much more.

You can realise very quickly just how petty some people are. A lot of them will cut off their nose to spite their face. This is particularly true of girls. They are so incredibly bitchy, I cannot believe some of the stuff I saw. This may just be a rare case, but at times I had to do a reality check to see if this stuff was actually happening. Two of them decided to deliberately eat the food of another one, because they didn't believe she was appreciative enough after they helped her out one day. They denied it for a long time before eventually admitting to it. There was always an atmosphere, and many bitchy comments were being made. How can people have time for that stuff? Especially with New York City just around the corner. I cannot be bothered to reheat someone’s leftovers and eat them to make a point. I’d rather clear off to Times Square and see some things. The same two girls took it upon themselves to one day steal the television from downstairs. It must have taken us about three days to notice, as we didn't watch it regularly. Most of us just assumed that either the boss or the landlord had taken it. Maybe it needed repairing. Maybe we were getting a new one. Maybe some people took it to their room for a movie night. No big deal. They actually had to ask us if we had noticed it was missing. Their point was that we keep leaving the back door open, and that someone could come in and steal our things. They genuinely wanted us to believe it was a robbery and to panic, but that was the only thing missing. Perhaps a passport, some money, or a laptop, and we may be in a crisis. Most of us were in agreement that words may have sufficed, as now any sympathy to their cause would be completely lost by the people they were trying to convince. Not only was it a stupid thing to do, but we now all think you are stupid. They came from a rough part of North London. We were in a rich, virtually crime free area of New Jersey. There were bigger, more expensive looking houses, with nicer cars, and without a driveway full of broken sports equipment, all up and down our street. No one would look at our place and think we had anything worth nicking. The reason why the door kept being left unlocked was because between ten of us, we only had six keys. Some people who may come home first without a key could be locked outside for hours. I liked the idea of leaving a key in each of the five cars we had, as we never went out without a car, but they were unwilling to compromise. What do you expect from a pair of TV thiefs? Eventually I went and had some extra keys made. Mine was a New York Mets novelty key, and it didn't bloody work.

Although a sub human species in some parts of the world,
I enjoy working with girls.

Ten people is far too many. Two is pretty good, but if your roommate is an idiot, you’re stuck with him. Four is probably more ideal, as long as there is enough space. If there is one person who really gets on your tits, you may have two others you can get along with. Some people, you just won’t get along with. That’s okay, as long as you are civil. Some people don’t make that choice, or do not have  a part of the brain that functions in that way. When living in such close proximity with others, it is hard not to make judgements about them, but we are humans and that is our nature. Some of them give you so much to judge. When you see them do absolutely nothing with their free time, it makes you wonder. Literally nothing. Whatsapp, Xbox, Facebook. I get criticised and made fun of a lot for not drinking, and yet I don’t say a word to those who spend huge percentages of their income on alcohol. One night of drinking and urinating, not remembering a thing, and then a hangover the next day, and for what? Another claim made about me is that I am not a “lad”. To me, a word synonymous with “sheep”. Bro points, high fives, and even the banter league, none of this is viable currency to me, and means absolutely nothing. Going to clubs with your moron friends, getting drunk, and desperately attempting to fornicate with drunk strangers has absolutely no appeal to me. I do look down on those who do it. It’s a repetitive cycle. But again, I do not comment or criticise. Live and let live. Though we must remember the phrase signifying that you can't expect the lion to not eat you, just because you won’t eat him. In this essence, we can't expect everyone to be clean, helpful, friendly, polite, and genuine to you, just because you are not unpleasant to them.

Traps

Can you spot Keenan and Kel?

Always be aware of overuse of the words Academy and Football School. Back in England, it is now the case that you can’t be using these terms, unless you actually are. We recognised that it was a way to make money off of gullible parents who wish to have their kids become world class players. The same has happened with development centres, another such title that is thrown around too much. We understand that a development centre is just below the academy, and those who play there are only one step away from the professional setup. Academy kids are recruited by clubs and will play for free, or will even command a small wage. Development centres say to kids “You’re pretty good, but not yet good enough for our academy. Perhaps with some training you may be able to make the step up” and will then take the money from the parents. Not a completely evil idea, until you hear that some clubs will have up to around twenty development centres. That’s roughly four hundred kids per age group who are being told they are just a few improvements away from the academy. It’s also a large source of income for the clubs.

Do your research before going out. Look for their social media sites. Check how often their website is updated. What kind of kit do the kids wear? If they wear whatever they want, no way is it an academy. Proper training shirts and everyone in identical kit, and you are starting to get a little closer. Does the organisation have ties with professional clubs or with the national federation? If they say the do, again, do your research. Look for a YouTube channel. Anyone who wants to be taken seriously will be showing just how serious they are on the internet. If they are hiding, chances are it is because their quality does not match the reputation they set for themselves.

In some cases you have to be aware of the big names. I worked for a franchise of one of the world’s biggest clubs while in Kuwait, and I was lucky that it was a well run and professional organisation. With that same club, such as the Barbados branch of that operation, not so much. But when you’re in a country that has a low calibre for football, they will automatically assume that due to the name, it must be good quality. A lot like these companies that recruit British coaches. I see some of the world’s leading coaching companies calling for “level one coaches with little experience”, “teachers without coaching qualifications or any prior formal coaching”, and the best one, a leading coaching company in the US, asking for coaches who may have little experience, but who may have played to a high level. That’s absolutely laughable. Coaching and playing are two completely different professions. It’s like the difference between being a mechanic and a driver. “You don’t need to have been a good horse to be a good jockey”.

Jambo, homies.

So why are they doing that? Your average American is bewildered by anyone who doesn't kick with the toes, and who can do more than five keepups. Seeing a good player in a coaching uniform automatically makes them think “Well, if he can do those skills, then surely he can teach them”. Teaching is an entirely different skill. The only thing playing ability helps you with when coaching is the ability to do good demonstrations. It seems unnecessary as an American will think that your accent automatically makes you a better coach than them anyway.

A lot of companies will advertise a philosophy that is based on a player centred approach, and that they have the development of the player at heart. You'll soon learn that all they care about is money. How many shirts can they sell? How many signups can they get? Remember, you’re a coach, not a marketing graduate. Handing out the occasional leaflet or going to a few promotional events is an expected part of the job, especially in competitive environments. It’s when they begin to take advantage and your job becomes more about administration and all that it entails, rather than the bread and butter of coaching. When looking for a job, be up front about it. How much admin work do you actually need to do? Is there a designated admin team? Expect to do some, but it should not outweigh your coaching responsibilities.

Coping Measures
This kind of job, like any, can take its toll on you. I'm only twenty five, but look in my thirties. If you truly care, if you work hard, if you are passionate and want to make a difference, it will cause you a lot of stress. This, as well as the copious exposure to sunlight, has aged me. I've had grey hairs appearing since I was eighteen, so that's no big issue, but all the lines on my face are getting clearer. Despite genetic traits, I am not balding as quick as I should be. The stress can manifest itself in a lot of ways. I don't really have trouble sleeping, but I can become deflated, lose excitement, and stare off into space after a particularly frustrating set of events. In Kuwait, I developed a twitch in my eye. This could have been due to the bright sun and not having sunglasses, but I bet it wasn't helped by lack of rest, being overworked, and constantly being on guard against two tyrants.

So how do we cope? Well this blog helps. I get to passive aggressively vent at the world. Sometimes putting it down in words can really relieve the pressure inside. I can also talk the hind legs off a donkey, and have trapped many people as I vent my frustrations. Every person is different, but I recommend that we all need some Me Time. Some people struggle to be alone. This is rather sad that they are so attention starved, or need to be constantly engaged that they just can't unwind. Try it. At least once a week, say "Kiss my bum" to everything. Watch a movie by yourself, go somewhere quiet and read, go explore or try something new. Unwind. Some of the companies will over work you, and so doing this is quite difficult, as you will also need to do things like buy your groceries or get a haircut. And if you live in a house with ten people and share cars, how can you get out? Go for a jog or a walk.

One of my first pieces of advice to anyone doing this is get to know people outside of your work and your home. It shouldn't be too hard. Being an international soccer coach, you are already interesting and charismatic. Once your schedule has settled down, try and get into a routine. Those Wednesday nights at Organica in Hawally were so therapeutic, followed by a trip to Pinkberry, which is always good for the soul.

Hands in!

If you truly love playing football, get out and play. Although difficult as you know nobody, and your work may conflict with games or practices, get out there and find something or someone to play with. In addition to this, there is also the gym. Physical activity helps you release your tension, but also keeps you fit, meaning you can do your job better. It's another way of making friends, and can become part of the much needed routine.

Your hobbies are important to you, as they make you who you are. With my first wage in Mexico, I bought a guitar. If I go too long without strumming, I can become quite testy. In New Jersey and Kuwait I had ukuleles. This provided the chance to learn something new. A couple years ago I began learning kung fu, which I continued in New Jersey. Added benefits are that this creates some consistency with your home life.

The last thing I will say on this is always find time to contact your family and friends. Sites like Moonpig enable you to send cards for birthdays and other important dates. Facebook allows you to message and share pictures. Skype allows you to talk face to face. Some people may see you meeting girls, and paying football in the sun, and think you have forgotten all about them. You must make sure that they know this is not the case. Friends and family are always important. I know I miss mine every day.

Language Barrier

Even those with the best and most fluent English sometimes don’t always truly get the meaning of your sentiment. A lot of people speak English. The locals will appreciate it if you try to learn, but  everyone wants to practice their English with you. A lot of them will apologise in near perfect English for not speaking well enough, which makes you think back to people in your own country who still fail to master just the one language, which they have spent their entire lives speaking on a daily basis.

I often find this thing waiting for me in airports.

When trying to learn a new language, it is frustrating when people around you insist on speaking English to you. A helpful person in Starbucks may see you struggling with your order and ask “Would you like it with milk?” to which you reply “Si, con leche” as if to keep them on track. Learn how to say “Shut up, I'm trying to learn!” in the language which you are practicing. Key words and phrases are a must, but also, immerse yourself in the culture. Find friends that don’t have a great command of the English language. This will force you to speak theirs quickly. If you are forever falling back on your English when talking to a foreigner, you will never progress.

Sarcasm appears to be something very British. The Americans just don't get it. Mexicans think it is hilarious to say “good evening” to someone who shows up late, something which has not declined in funniness since they gained independence two hundred years ago. It’s still the cutting edge of their humour. This means that a lot of our phrases just aren't understood. The sentiment is lost as people often take your throwaway remark literally. When busting someone’s balls or pulling their leg, they can often think you mean it, and will take great offence. I believe a lot of this comes from people in other cultures just taking themselves too seriously.

Even with people who possess perfect English, you still have to explain what you mean. I take great joy in teaching them the bad words and most common phrases, but when in a football environment, a lot of it is lost as we can’t often think back to what the coach told us that means. I've seen a lot of British coaches bark orders at players using slang. Back home, we’d know what it means, but not with kids who have only been learning English for three years. I possess a neutral accent and believe myself to be quite eloquent in my speech. Those I've worked with from the North, and particularly from Scotland, have had struggles in their communication. Anything shouted in Scottish sounds aggressive. Caution needs to be taken when working with children, who may literally wet their pants.

Every time you speak to your kids, you must ask yourself if they actually understand what you are saying. Try and get a responsible English speaker to translate for you. And make sure to use demonstrations and visual aids as to affect all three types of learner; audio, visual, kinaesthetic. We should be doing that regardless of language. If it is too much of a problem, try researching and what you need to say before you say it, speaking in a way, or a language, that they will understand.

Us Against The World

Something you have to be very much aware of when in this job is the mentality of “Us against them”. Everywhere is different, with it’s different customs, culture, language, and ideas. In most case, you will recognise that there is “different”, and in other cases you will recognise “wrong”. Which side you drive on is different, treating women as second class citizens is wrong. The language you speak is different, the way you educate kids is wrong. The food you eat is different, your government’s inability to tackle crime or organise an effective and safe transport system is wrong. See what I mean here?

Dawson Creek. What a stupid name.

It can lead people to become hostile in their new environment. The most used phrase in Mexico is “That’s Mexico”. As I mentioned in my piece on Mexican football, it is a reluctant acceptance of low standards, which at the same time passes the responsibility and blame onto others. Some people just can't hack it. Some people become aggressive, upset, distraught, and cannot find any sanctuary in all the madness.

When going to lesser developed football countries, we can write books with several volumes of books on what the coaches are doing wrong. But we must remember; we are guests in their country, we must do our best to fit their culture, our job is to help and grow football in their nation, and if we don’t like it, the choice of whether we stay is ours. It will be difficult, and you will need a release, but try not to make fun of them too much. Look for some redeeming features, if there are any. Try not to stereotype. I have met some Mexicans that occasionally do show up on time. I have met Americans that can actually kick a ball with the correct part of their foot. Unbelievable, but true.

Rules and Protocols

Try and learn these things as quick as you can. I’m talking about both club and country protocols. Get to learn what the company expects of you quickly, and adhere to their terms. Some of it will make you laugh, such as the following list from my previous employers in New Jersey:

UNACCEPTABLE WORDS AND PHRASES TO SAY:
- Stupid
- Retard
- Gay Boy
- Homo
- Poof
- Idiot
- Shut up
- Arse
- Ass
- Faggot
- Fag
- Don't be such a girl (to a boy)
- Lesbian
- Dyke
- Dick
- Fatty
- Porker
- Chunky
- Stinky
- Smelly
- Loser
- Weirdo
- Freak
- ANY swear word
- ANY reference to someone’s ethnic background
- AN reference to someone’s religious background
- ANY comment about body (weight, size, hair type, glasses, nose etc.)
- ANY comment about clothes, the way a child dresses, applies makeup

UNACCEPTABLE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH ANY CHILD:

Unacceptable physical contact with my old friend Bryn.

- Kids jumping on you
- Bundles
- Touching
- Hugging
- Slapping on the bum
- Grabbing
- Pulling
- Stroking
- Fondling
- Pushing
- Hitting

And finally

OTHER EXAMPLES OF UNACCEPTABLE CONDUCT. DO NOT:

- Talk about your wages, accommodation to any child or parent

- Mention your birthday or make up a fictitious birthday in order to get presents and gifts from children or parents.

- Take or ask for food & drink from a child

- Ask a child or their parent if they can pack you a lunch or bring you food to camp

- Attend any program or event, with any trace of alcohol on your breath, skin or clothes.

- Show favoritism to any child or set of parents in order to receive a tip

- Ask them to be your friend on Facebook or any other social networking site.

- Laugh at a child or embarrass them in front of other children or parents

- Talk about the following: Drinking, smoking, drugs, girlfriends, boyfriends, sex, violence, your social plans for the upcoming evening/weekend to ANY of the following: children, parents, clients, work colleagues

- Use your cell phone to talk, text, check the time, go online when you are working with children in ANY environment

How hilarious was that word list? It looks like a conversation transcript with my friends back home. I did giggle a lot while reading that for the first time. Even now, reading it again, it still tickled me. Just look at the combos you can make. This is coming from a company that is really concerned about image, and in the United States, I guess they have to be. That kind of thing could not be implemented in Mexico as the staff are not professional enough to adhere to it.

When we first got to Mexico, all the mums and the girls tried kissing us. It was a little weird, and would clearly not be tolerated north of the border. Handshakes are a strange one, as Arabs like to shake hands for half an hour, and Mexicans prefer the first bump and hand slap. Sometimes you have no idea what is going on. This has the potential to embarrass.

Natural Disasters

Everyone wants a photo.

Doing this job, you experience things you never thought you would. A lot of it, you were sure, was only real on TV or in movies. Suddenly, you enter a new normal, and don’t quite know how to react. In Canada, there are bears everywhere. You've got to be very careful, and most Canadians will brief newcomers on how to deal with bears. A bear hasn't killed a human for a number of years, they’re not the problem, but all of a sudden you begin making jokes about not letting them get a whiff of your picnic basket in case you are ambushed. Also, bears do not like honey, and apparently that joke became unfunny in Canada around 1972. Then there was the cougar sighting, and we were just beside ourselves. Signs were up everywhere warning us of the dangers of cougars. “She can come to our house if she’s really that desperate” was one particular line that was not appreciated.

Colleagues in New Jersey all had their own hurricane stories. We’d all seen the news, but never met anyone who had actually lived it. Stories were told of parking their cars at the local Wal-Mart and staying in the basement during heavy wind. Tragic. But in every tale, there was always a shopping trolley that had landed in a swimming pool, or a cat that had been blown through someone’s window. My imagination took me to a place where a few kids with heavy boots saw the hurricane as an opportunity to wreak fear and havoc upon the population by putting stuff in places that it shouldn't be.

To top off any hurricane story, and to absolutely destroy a boner, comes the 9/11 stories. Do not ever admire any view in New York or New Jersey to a resident, because while you are admiring the lights and the skyline, they can tell you where they were, and what they saw, way back when. “I was just getting in my car, about to go to work, when suddenly...” “There were hundreds of us all out in the street, just watching...” They trail off like that.

England and Scotland sucked at the World
Cup, so we enjoyed Mexico's success.

There’s been a few earthquakes throughout my time in the Estados Unidos of Mexico, but I have not felt one. A lot of them have occurred at night, and I am a heavy sleeper. In Kuwait, we had to be aware of sandstorms. Allah’s way to show his dislike for me meeting girls and eating bacon. Both New Jersey, Kuwait, and Canada have experienced floods while I have been there. Many of these foreign lands deal with dangerous tropical storms quite regularly. Some parts of the world will have you take injections in order to be there. Sadly they've made no vaccine against stupid, despite how much technology progresses. Perhaps the most dangerous threat to us Brits is something called “The Sun”. It’s a big, warm, yellow ball in the sky. Staring directly at it is not a good idea, nor is spending too much time in it. Prolonged exposure has the ability to turn your skin red, literally cooking you slowly. Those of Celtic descent have to be especially cautious. A type of cream called “Sun Block” has been invented which, when applied thoroughly, forms a shield on your skin. It can wear off quickly, and needs to be reapplied. A lot of conspiracy theorists back home will have you believe that it is all just a fallacy invented by big pharmaceutical companies to scare us into buying their products, but as someone who has seen it first hand, believe me. The threat is very much real. Of course, stay at home, and you never have to worry about this stuff.

Every Day Pains

Certain things that you don’t realise as being difficult, or have never had to think about before, suddenly become problems. Try getting a haircut in a country where they speak a different language. It’s risky and dangerous. Some of the previously unknown customs, such as random days off as assigned by the Emir, with only twenty four hours notice, can be very frustrating. In Mexico, it is customary for men and women to kiss each other once on the cheek when they meet. A lot of them realise it is not my custom, so instead go to shake hands in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable. This can sometimes cause awkward moments when you don’t know what to do, and both of you stand there looking at each other for a few seconds wondering which way you are going to greet each other.

Even when going to a supermarket, problems can arise. You’ll realise that although a lot of the world has around 90% of the same products available, that 10% can make a big difference. A lot of countries don’t have the same variety of European chocolate that we have back home. I enjoy Hershey’s, but many don’t, so where will you go to get your Galaxy, Dairy Milk, or Milka? Such desired items can be difficult to find, and not everyone is as helpful as you would like them to be. A problem Americans have is that they are sometimes so shocked to be talking to a person with a different accent that everything you say makes no sense to them. Items like water or butter are completely unknown, as in the American dialect, they have since become “wader” and “budder”. They stare at you like you are an alien that has just revealed three green penises under your coat, and insist that you repeat your question by using a “whaaaad?”, which, scholars tell me, is derivative of the English “what”, an informal and sometimes rude way of exclaiming that you did not hear it properly.

In Mexico there is endless traffic. You can’t predict it, you can’t judge it, you can't beat it. It will get you. Whichever way you go, whatever way you set off, wherever you may be, it will find you. Some genius will close a road, or bus and a taxi will decide to crash, a pothole needs filling during rush hour, or a police car will park at the side of the road and randomly check licenses. What’s the point? There’s no driving test in Mexico anyway. Go catch a real criminal that is partaking in one of Mexico’s most favoured pastimes; homicide, drug trafficking, or border hopping.

Professionalism
In this job you will begin to notice how easy it can be in certain environments to slack off and do a half effort job. In some of the more cut-throat companies in the US, they will fire you before you have even made a mistake. In other locations, depending on the cultural norms, and the standards set by the company itself, you can often see some incredibly poor standards.

We thank the Lord for Tim Cahill's head.

Why does this happen? It is often a combination of many things, but has a few main causes. If your boss does not enforce the rules, then nothing will happen. Without that fear or respect, people start to push the boundaries and even end up simply taking the mickey. When warnings and other such punishments should be taken out, it is just swept under the carpet and ignored. It could be that the company finds it difficult to hire new staff, and thus will let things slide. We can also find that in some cultures, the locals just really don't care. For example, in Mexico they are always late or sick. Terrible excuses are frequently used. If a coach is late and blames traffic, then it is accepted by the parents. The parents have to accept that excuse, or else it makes it less valid when they use it themselves. I got in trouble a few times in New Jersey, but they weren't willing to accept it. One time I was very late for a session. I blamed the traffic, as it was an awful amount. Someone actually died in a car crash. It wasn't until other members of staff began to cite the same reason that my excuse was accepted, but even then they believed there was perhaps something I could have done.

The main reason for a lack of professionalism is that a lot of British coaches just do this job for a jolly. They get to travel the world, party, meet tons of girls, and play football with kids in the sun. Sounds like the ideal opportunity. There's a sense that you have made it when you end up in positions such as these, and your accent and nationality buys you a lot of undue credence in your new surroundings. Just because you come from a football mad country doesn't automatically make you a good coach, but if you can get laid off that reputation, why try and convince them otherwise? This disregard for one's responsibilities can manifest itself in some quite shocking ways. What would happen in any other job in any other country if you were hungover and missed work without any warning? In Mexico, they see that as normal. "We've all been there", whereas if you did that north of the border, your options would be window or aisle. Lateness in Mexico is tolerated, and even encouraged. This constant need by some coaches to cut corners, do as little work as possible, and pack up early is infectious. You can't expect your players to give 100% and fight until the end if the coaches are having a competition to see who can do the least work. The standards you set are the standards you get.

Angels

At some point, you will be lucky enough to encounter an angel. I've had a few. How I would describe them is as truly wonderful, selfless, helpful people. The mark of a truly good person is someone who gives to or helps those who cannot give anything back. A lot of the host families and friends I have made are a lot like that. They take you in, look after you, and do anything they can to help you or improve your time. In the case of host families, they get something back in that their kids are allowed to football at a discounted price, but I don’t think any of them has this as a motive for accepting you into their home. There will be people who do incredibly nice things for you, for no apparent reason. Last week a family that was taking me to the game, upon mentioning that I wanted go see America v Chivas (the biggest game in Mexico), just whipped out three executive tickets and handed them to me. I didn't know they had them. I didn't expect them to offer me anything. We were just talking about football, they said they were Chivas fans, and then I said that my colleagues and I intended to go to the game. Holy hamburgers! Thank you very much.

How can one family be so nice? Bloody Canadians.

One of the many angels in Canada that deserves a special mention is a guy named Lee. Second night there, in a bar one night, a guy walks past me with two beers, and notices my PSV Eindhoven jacket. He seemed excited and told me to hold the drinks while he went to the bathroom. I thought it was part of some joke. He then comes back and we’re talking to him for hours. Lee took us in, looked after us, and was a true friend to us. One of the nicest guys you could ever have the pleasure of meeting. I’m not sure he knows just how much we truly appreciated him. People like this, you keep in contact with, and I have seen him on my returns to Canada. Still a great guy.

Perhaps the most humbling encounter of all was July 1^st 2013. This was the day I had been sacked from my job in New Jersey. The world had come tumbling down around me, and the dream had come to an end. I had a lot of stuff, and was not expecting to be leaving. All of a sudden, I had to pack everything into one bag. That wasn't enough, so had to spend $70 on a second bag. Both bags full and bursting, I am dropped at Newark Airport. I check in for the flight, and they are not happy with the extra bag. That’s an extra $100 right there. Then both bags are severely overweight, so that’s $200 extra each. Now I'm looking at a $500 bill, or I can’t board the plane. Could I leave my bags and get on the plane without them? You definitely can’t leave bags in an American airport. I didn't have enough cash. There wasn't enough in my bank account. I couldn't withdraw from my overdraft. They wouldn't accept my parents paying over the phone. Any money transferred into my account would take around three days. Right now I am being slapped from all angles. The guy in charge behind the desk saw that I was struggling. He came up to me privately and said “If you can get $100 for the extra bag, then I can sneak you in”. I tried, and I tried, and I tried. Nothing was coming my way. Constant phone calls, many attempts at the ATM, I was royally screwed and on the point of breaking down. Quietly and discreetly, the guy walked over to me and handed me a plane ticket, telling me to get on the plane. Then he walked away. That was the most touched I have ever felt in my entire life. I was overwhelmed by the kindness, and also the risk he had taken in helping me. There is no way I could ever repay him, but he took great pity on me, and helped me in a time of great need. This type of kindness is inspirational, and the world needs more people that think about others in the way he did.

Conclusion
So how do I finish this? Where do I go from here? Will I ever settle down and get a real job. Only time will tell. If I die tomorrow, I will have seen and accomplished far more than most, but still not enough to be satisfied. Who knows who else I will meet along this journey, and which exotic lands I am yet to travel to. As and when new places are seen and discovered, I will come back to this one and update it with a new fact file. I hope this was useful to anyone who wants to know a little more about me, and a little more about why I do it.