Exotic but Essential Pieces of Coaching Equipment

(Satire warning: I do not condone physical violence, or verbal harassment)

A Big Bit of Plastic

People laughed at me a couple of years ago when I stated that I felt the need to acquire a big bit of plastic. The girlfriend I had at the time suggested that I ask her mother, who worked at a company that made sails for boats, if she was able to find something. Low and behold, she presented me with a six foot by three foot strip of grey material. Whenever it starts to rain, I say “I’ll go get my big bit of plastic”. Many people laugh and ridicule me, but I ignore them and unfurl the big bit of plastic across my kit bag and other equipment. What follows this is a process where time is directly proportionate to the amount of other people’s items that appear under the big bit of plastic. At my most recent match, I arrived at the pitch very early, and by the final whistle I found several illegal homeless people underneath it, using it as shelter.

Flat Markers

These things are far too advanced to have been a manmade invention. It is my firm belief that this is the result of some alien technology. Watching us in our struggle to mark out zones without painting countless lines and having cones get in the way of a run or a pass, they chucked a few down to Earth. They usually come in packs of ten, and brand name ones will cost a fair bit more, but even before and after training you can have tons of fun with them. They are heavy yet flimsy, and very durable. I like to wave them and wiggle them, even play a tune with them. What is the most fun is using one to hit someone. It’s very good for slapping, and will catch most people off guard.

Tactics Board

Full backs push up, wingers get wide, midfield come deep, keeper sweeps, defenders sit bowl shaped, and play the ball in behind the defence. Know what I’m sayin’? If you don’t, you’re an idiot. Unfortunately a lot of idiots play football, so rather than trying to convert the world to a level of tolerable intelligence, it is important to examine other ways to get our point across to our players. A person becomes good at football with practice, and the more practice you have, the more pictures from within the game a player can remember. It is very much a visual sport, so we must cater for visual learners. On top of that, your players will love drawing a penis on it when you’re not looking.

Futsal

A futsal ball looks like a football, feels like a rock, and acts like a bag of wet socks. It’s a heavy and hard football with a reduced bounce. It will hurt if you head it, hurt if you boot it, and will not bounce if you kick it in the air. What’s the point in this? It will greatly annoy and frustrate your players as they will not be able to hoof the ball or shoot from distance. We talk about an appropriate session as restricting the rules and manipulating the means in order to force a positive outcome. If the ball is limited as such, it will mean your players will have to resort to the silly things like short passes, keeping the ball in play, protecting the ball, making off ball runs to support your teammates and even playing those outrageous (and frankly nonsensical) backward passes. I bought a nice shiney gold and cream Nike one, which usually buys me about thirty seconds more of tolerance from my players.

A Huge Pump

Bringing a huge pump to training will benefit you in many ways. Firstly, your players will be intrigued and will wish to use it, meaning you can trick them into inflating your balls for you. Secondly, a huge pump is hard to lose. You will not forget where you put it because it does not have the ability to hide from you. Unless you’re a moron. Thirdly, it has the practical use of getting the job done quicker.

Different Colour Bibs

Quite a few teams just have a handful of bright yellow bibs. How many teams play in luminous yellow? The great Borussia Dortmund team of the late 90s did, but they soon reverted back to a more acceptable tone of yellow, much to the delight of fans and TV viewers everywhere. This mainly works with kids, but even now, I still like different and interesting colours. I like to put on a colour and imagine myself playing for a professional team that play in those colours. Umbro released a range of really interesting coloured bibs, some stripes and hoops, mimicking the designs of some very famous teams. They look beautiful and would woo any suitors when courting. The problem with them is their expense. Even without an imagination, if every player has the same colour on, then it becomes “We’re reds, you’re blues, and blues suck” creating more of a realistic and competitive situation.

Goalkeeper Gloves

Some poor sod may have to do this, and if you’re keeper isn’t at training, it may have to be you. It is important that whoever is in goal makes realistic saves and movements, and on a cold night with no gloves, expect a feet only goalkeeper. Would you want to catch a ball that is likely to sting and give you nasty red marks? No, because you’re fluffy and precious. Put gloves on, and all of a sudden you’re diving around like Tom Daley.

Waterproof Jacket

When it rains, it rains. And you get wet. If you’re one of those weirdos that likes to shower in the changing rooms in close proximity to your teammates, then you don’t have to read any more of this, and instead can go and sort your life out. By keeping a waterproof in your car or kitbag, you can wear it during a session, keeping your clothes dry. Since football is full of horrible disgusting individuals with poor hygiene standards, it might please the reader to know that by keeping your clothes dry, you can wear them again the next day.

Whistle

Great for grabbing attention. Players don’t always listen, so when you want to call one of your players a scrote, blow the whistle first. *WHISTLE* “Johnny you useless idiot!” is much more effective than shouting without a whistle. With a loud blast you can guarantee that Johnny will have stopped and will be looking in your direction. Added to this is the bonus that everyone else will have stopped and will now know that Johnny is an idiot. This will be rather crushing and humiliating for Johnny, and if he is a wuss, it may rightfully scare him away from football. The other players will take note of the embarrassing experience that their teammate went through and will strive even harder to avoid criticism, thus becoming a well-oiled machine. A whistle on a piece of string around the wrist will make it hard for even the most intense moron to drop it while running, and even better, you can swing it around and hit your players.

A Big Stick

The physical threat of violence is enough to make any player work to their maximum. Anything less and they will incur the wrath of a beating. Maybe if you’re a more reasonable or understanding coach you might feel inclined to give your players a warning before you unleash the fury of a full scale assault. I am not that merciful. When I see a player giving anything less than 100% I do not give them a second chance. I will beat them to within an inch of their life. The first one must always be the hardest. Make an example of the first player to stutter or to trip. Before their unconscious face hits the dirt, the rest of the team will have already fallen into line.